By: Mike Glazer
22 Delicious Tweets That Have Zero To Do With Politics
Thank goodness for comedy, animals, and dancing because at times we all feel like this ~
[doing the laundry] ok clothes, bath time!
‘ John Darby (@mrjohndarby) December 8, 2017
me, to strangers: i just have a cold. i'll be fine
me, to friends: pic.twitter.com/fLO4VcPsju
‘ beth, an alien ‘ (@bourgeoisalien) December 8, 2017
A woman asked me if I ‘d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can ‘t have just one! ‘ and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
‘ Kristin (@FeralCrone) December 12, 2017
I’m trying to enter 2018 with this sort of happiness pic.twitter.com/0bckXdj7yN
‘ Leansquad (@Ieansquad) December 8, 2017
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That ‘s a cactus ‘
‘ Boog (@BoogTweets) October 3, 2017
There is a powerful energy captured within this photo and it must be handled wisely. pic.twitter.com/53tsRiKFmr
‘ Diet Husband (@marcbutcavage) December 7, 2017
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”
Friend: “I can't fly a plane ‘
Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies! ‘
Friend: “No. Master of *disguise* ‘
Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now. ‘
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) November 17, 2017
all the gluten they take out of gluten free bread has been kept and is going into the recipe for a new flavour of Mountain Dew – ‘Wheat Missile ‘
‘ the angry birds drink pee in the movie (@punished_picnic) December 10, 2017
We taught our baby sign language. This is the sign for “help.” You're welcome. pic.twitter.com/i6NkxBf4KP
‘ Dr. SWILUA (@Swilua) December 5, 2017
a parallel universe exactly the same as ours except shrek is lighter green
‘ John Darby (@mrjohndarby) December 11, 2017
What the fuck, raisin box pic.twitter.com/3pD9PRuBsq
‘ Sam @ Tiny Paws (@SamNeukirch) December 2, 2017
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
‘ Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 6, 2015
I don ‘t encourage eating cats but, judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are pretty damn tasty.
‘ Kirk Fox (@kirkfox) December 11, 2017
Number one, why these shits so hard to open? Number two, they loud as hell. Whole fuckin country know you tryna get a piece of cake pic.twitter.com/EBRgsUMzHW
‘ Asia Cheyanne (@AsiaAtItAgain) December 11, 2017
TV WRITER: so the show is called 'house on a prairie'
TV EXEC: no i'm sorry. no way
WRITER: did i mention the house is little?
EXEC: go on
‘ Juan Pee (@DrGhostbaby) August 23, 2015
Swallowing a piece of salami without chewing it is like swallowing an entire nipple.
‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 14, 2017
me ignoring wikipedia's plea to save them from their annual financial collapse and still using it pic.twitter.com/JcpRsHnbkW
‘ J (@malefihcent) December 4, 2017
hey boy are you good credit? Because you ‘re lowering my interest
‘ Alexis Novak (@AlexisGirlNovak) December 13, 2017
Looking at you, Jesus. pic.twitter.com/yDubAPu8Zw
‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) November 30, 2014
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!! ‘ at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it ‘s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
‘ hannah sorrell (@hannahkimberlee) December 8, 2017
It was a quiet car ride pic.twitter.com/F9ubGUoHAI
‘ decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) December 14, 2017
Somebody please send me a link to your favorite Korn song…. Dying for it!… I'll follow the first link sender…hehe
‘ Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) June 20, 2011
This Joint Wedding & Funeral Is The Definition Of “Chaotic Energy ‘
Let ‘s get married/buried!
Jon and Kate no more. Jon is already on the prowl and registered on the most popular dating website.
McDonald’s Free Menu
In today’s economy sometimes a dollar is one dollar too many.
The Time Zack Morris Sold Swimsuit Photos Of Underage Girls
Remember the ‘Saved by the Bell’ when Zack Morris sold swimsuit photos of his underage female classmates? Zack Morris is trash.
GuitarHero’s Heroworld by Kimberly McBride
Webshow about the future from the past’s idea of the future, sort of….
Daily Cheney #7857: Self-Affirmation
Enjoy your daily inspiration from former Vice President Dick Cheney