22 Delicious Tweets That Have Zero To Do With Politics

[doing the laundry] ok clothes, bath time!

‘ John Darby (@mrjohndarby) December 8, 2017

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me, to strangers: i just have a cold. i'll be fine

me, to friends: pic.twitter.com/fLO4VcPsju

‘ beth, an alien ‘ (@bourgeoisalien) December 8, 2017

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A woman asked me if I ‘d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can ‘t have just one! ‘ and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

‘ Kristin (@FeralCrone) December 12, 2017

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I’m trying to enter 2018 with this sort of happiness pic.twitter.com/0bckXdj7yN

‘ Leansquad (@Ieansquad) December 8, 2017

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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That ‘s a cactus ‘

‘ Boog (@BoogTweets) October 3, 2017

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There is a powerful energy captured within this photo and it must be handled wisely. pic.twitter.com/53tsRiKFmr

‘ Diet Husband (@marcbutcavage) December 7, 2017

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*hijacks plane
*kills pilot
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”

Friend: “I can't fly a plane ‘

Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies! ‘

Friend: “No. Master of *disguise* ‘

Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now. ‘

‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) November 17, 2017

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all the gluten they take out of gluten free bread has been kept and is going into the recipe for a new flavour of Mountain Dew – ‘Wheat Missile ‘

‘ the angry birds drink pee in the movie (@punished_picnic) December 10, 2017

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We taught our baby sign language. This is the sign for “help.” You're welcome. pic.twitter.com/i6NkxBf4KP

‘ Dr. SWILUA (@Swilua) December 5, 2017

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a parallel universe exactly the same as ours except shrek is lighter green

‘ John Darby (@mrjohndarby) December 11, 2017

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What the fuck, raisin box pic.twitter.com/3pD9PRuBsq

‘ Sam @ Tiny Paws (@SamNeukirch) December 2, 2017

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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

‘ Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 6, 2015

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I don ‘t encourage eating cats but, judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are pretty damn tasty.

‘ Kirk Fox (@kirkfox) December 11, 2017

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Number one, why these shits so hard to open? Number two, they loud as hell. Whole fuckin country know you tryna get a piece of cake pic.twitter.com/EBRgsUMzHW

‘ Asia Cheyanne (@AsiaAtItAgain) December 11, 2017

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TV WRITER: so the show is called 'house on a prairie'
TV EXEC: no i'm sorry. no way
WRITER: did i mention the house is little?
EXEC: go on

‘ Juan Pee (@DrGhostbaby) August 23, 2015

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Swallowing a piece of salami without chewing it is like swallowing an entire nipple.

‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 14, 2017

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me ignoring wikipedia's plea to save them from their annual financial collapse and still using it pic.twitter.com/JcpRsHnbkW

‘ J (@malefihcent) December 4, 2017

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hey boy are you good credit? Because you ‘re lowering my interest

‘ Alexis Novak (@AlexisGirlNovak) December 13, 2017

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Looking at you, Jesus. pic.twitter.com/yDubAPu8Zw

‘ Tinker Elle (@elle91) November 30, 2014

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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!! ‘ at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it ‘s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

‘ hannah sorrell (@hannahkimberlee) December 8, 2017

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It was a quiet car ride pic.twitter.com/F9ubGUoHAI

‘ decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) December 14, 2017

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Somebody please send me a link to your favorite Korn song…. Dying for it!… I'll follow the first link sender…hehe

‘ Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) June 20, 2011