Amid Scandals, 2017 Announces Resignation

A statement from 2017:

I would like to start by saying that serving as your year has been the great honor of my life. It has been a demanding but incredibly rewarding position, and one that contained exponentially more events than any other previous year. I mean, we lapped the combined sum of events in 2014 and 2015 by April. I take great pride in the work I did, but I also acknowledge the criticism against me, some of which I accept but much of which I deny completely or remember very differently. I can only ask for forgiveness for the former and understanding for the latter.

Over my past few months, I have been shocked and disheartened by the widespread allegations of misconduct. Like many of you, one of my first thoughts was, “It ‘s the year me, how is this still happening everywhere? ‘ But I was also encouraged that it was under my administration that we as a society really began to have a meaningful conversation to expose and correct this behavior.

It is deeply regretful and embarrassing that these scandals and others connected to me have caused such pain and suffering. It is with this in mind and a heavy heart that I am announcing that I will resign from the position of year effective 11:59 PM, December 31.

Before I do so, however, I want to be very clear about a few things for the record:

• I am not and never have been a so-called “dumpster fire, ‘ but the fact that I was unable to put so many out is something I must live with.
• It is not lost on me that the vast majority of misconduct that dominated my headlines happened nowhere near me. Ironically, the biggest exposure I am actually responsible for is finally calling all these pervs out.
• Sure, I killed off some awesome folks, but I was no 2016. And how about some credit for not touching a single Rolling Stone or Beatle?
• Donald Trump. Elected the year BEFORE me.
• World War III. Starting the year AFTER me.

Thank you for the privilege of being your year, and again, I want to offer my deepest apologies for any pain I caused, especially to those places where I will be the last full year they get to experience. Sorry, Southern California and South Korea.