By: Ben Wietmarschen
Racist and disgraced (and pardoned!) former Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio is running for the U.S. Senate! He appeared recently on CNN and reemphasized his stance on the Obama Birther conspiracy.
“No doubt about it, we have the evidence, I ‘m not going to go into all the details, yeah, it ‘s a phony document. ‘
‘ Arpaio said on CNN's “Cuomo Primetime”
Yep, he ‘s still on board! Arpaio even says he has the evidence if anyone wants to come down (to his house, I presume).
Below are some other things Joe Arpaio has said about some popularly debunked conspiracy theories.
Barack Obama ‘s birth certificate is a fake:
“I have the proof and anytime you want to come down and see it, you ‘re welcome in my house. I ‘ll make sandwiches, but be warned: they WILL be mayonnaisey. Mayonnaise helps with my gas. Bring your own napkins, though, so you don ‘t get any of that dreamy creamy spread on Obama ‘s fake certificate!”
9/11 was an inside job:
“It ‘s plain as day: Jet fuel can ‘t melt steel beams any more than a man born in Kenya can become President of the United States. Please come to my house and see my evidence! Full disclosure: I have been diagnosed with a flatulence-heavy form of sever IBS that has led to my wife moving into a guest house because of the smell. But don ‘t worry, I ‘ve recently developed a way to mitigate the effects of my farts on guests.”
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are literally demons from hell who smell like sulphur:
“I heard a nice man from the you tube saying this the other day and it checks out. Obama ‘s fake birth certificate that I have (that I can show you if you just come to my freaking house) makes my whole house smell like sulphur. And before you say that it ‘s probably me farting that makes my house smell like sulphur, I ‘ll have you know that whenever I fart I stick my ass out the window.”
The government sprays us with chemtrails:
“Back in 2010, I got hit with a face full of chemtrails and before I knew it I was talking politely to a black man. Now, I wonder if anyone in government, maybe the executive branch, at the time would want a guy like me talking to a non-white instead of searching him for any small trace of weed? My conversation with the black man ended abruptly as I excused myself to fart out the restaurant window. Which is not a crime, no matter what the head chef says. I ‘m a sheriff.”
Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 disappearance is Benjamin Netanyahu ‘s fault:
“Absolutely Netanyahu ‘s fault. Speaking of flying, there ‘s some great rates to Arizona. If you ever wanted to come visit and see my evidence. I have a big bed you can sleep with me on since my wife left on account of the farts. And, I know I ‘ve said this before, but you ‘ll be in no danger of having to smell farts since I ‘ve developed a new system of farting that ‘s basically my naked ass hanging out the window while I fart so the fart don ‘t get in the house.
Paul McCartney died in 1966 and was replaced by a look-alike:
“I saw The Beatles in 1965 and Paul looks completely different now. His ass is much smaller, which is unnatural for a man as he gets older. My ass, for instance, is so big that it hardly fits out my window when I fart in my house. When I was younger my ass fit out the window reeeeeeeeeal easy. If you come to my house I ‘ll show you how I hang my ass out the window to fart. It ‘s pretty funny honestly. Also I have Barack Obama ‘s fake birth certificate, if you ‘re into that sort of thing. ‘