“I Am An All-Star, Rihanna. Will You Date Me?” by A Converse Sneaker

This is the truth… I was trying to get with this famous girl and she said ” Come back when you're a All Star” bruhh pic.twitter.com/CFBnRqnKMA

‘ Joel Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) August 17, 2014

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Fast forward your DVRs to now. It ‘s 2018, and Joel has just been selected as an NBA All-Star. That ‘s right HE DID IT. So, you ‘d think Rihanna would be getting a call right about now and those two would be sitting at a back-booth in some swanky cheesesteak place in downtown Philly getting to know each other.

BUT, in what is ‘to me ‘the wildest part of this whole story, it seems like Big Joel has changed his Big Mind.

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Embiid might have to pass on Rihanna ‘ pic.twitter.com/nDmhyDYKup

‘ Steve Noah (@Steve_OS) January 19, 2018

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WHAT?! Joel. Wait. You ‘re telling me that Rihanna said she ‘d think about going on a date with you if you did something, then you did it, and now you ‘re not going to let her even think about it? This is nuts.

Who are you moving on to? Solange? Or maybe you saw the same cute flat I saw on a shelf at TJ Maxx?

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Maybe you ‘ve got some other hottie in mind. Dang, maybe it ‘s a stiletto, if that ‘s what you ‘re into. But, this is Rihanna we ‘re talking about!!! Pick up the phone, bruh!

Or you know what? Don ‘t. I see an opportunity, and I ‘m seizing it.

Rihanna, you wanted an All-Star, and ‘as a Converse All-Star style sneaker ‘that is exactly what I am. What say you consider going on a date with me?

Now, I know what you ‘re thinking. “Date you?! I wear you! ‘

I get it. It ‘s like I ‘m just some other sleaze you thought you had a platonic relationship with and now, here I am trying to get out of the Apparel Zone. But, just ‘ just hear me out!

Here are all the reasons you should go on a date with me.

• I am ‘and have always been ‘an All-Star.
• ‘What more do you need?!

Is that not enough?

Okay, it ‘s become clear that I am assuming the only reason you would ‘ve dated Joel is this All-Star thing, which is not necessarily the case. And, I ‘m fixating on the words “All-Star ‘, which is maybe weird since the implication is clear that you meant NBA All-Star, and I am simply a shoe with the name All-Star. So, I could be wasting your time. But, hey, like the world ‘s favorite sunny-weather hi-top says “I see an opportunity, and I ‘m seizing it. ‘

Maybe the truth is that the “All-Star ‘ thing was just a small incentive for you. The icing on the proverbial nose of the bride. You want him to be the best, yes, but maybe part of the appeal of Joel for you was that he ‘s tall, and smart, and funny. And, while I am none of those things, I am other things.

Here are other things.

• I ‘m a canvas basketball shoe with minimal ankle support.
• I, like Joel, play basketball.
• I ‘m the original Jordans.
• I ‘m a twin. (Yes, basically all shoes are twins, but still. Is Joel a twin?)
• I love you.
• I will propose marriage within minutes of meeting you.
• I have a ring picked out and everything.
• I saw it at a cool store in Brooklyn called Catbird, and I picked it up with you in mind, even though we ‘ve never spoken.
• You WILL like it.
• I love you.
• I have a parquet-floor pattern on my sole.

No?

Okay, if all that isn ‘t enough for you, then I ‘m not sure what I can do or say. Maybe I ‘ll just swing by that TJ Maxx and see how my girl Sparkles is doing.