By: Molly Schreiber

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The Trumpiest Highlights from Trump’s 2018 State of the Union

America, we the people, are so united. The most united. So united. Our founders would be like ‘ this is how united we wanted them. Totally, completely united.

Melania couldn ‘t be here today but she told me to tell you she loves it here. She loves America. Especially the food.

‘ (Melania Trump was seated to his left)

There was no collusion with Russia. How could there be? Russia is a place very far away. What? Did we walk there and have coffee? No. I don ‘t think so. No collusion. End of story.

I ‘ve kept all my promises. Every single one! All of them. No one has ever kept their promises like me.

Healthcare- [phone rings] oh sorry, I have to take this- [He began speaking in Russian] Ok, Ok. Bye bye.- Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, healthcare. It ‘s solved. Done. You ‘re welcome.

But the most important thing is that our borders are safe! Rapists are literally crossing the borders, they say, 1 every minute, that ‘s what they tell me, 3 every minute are coming in to what? To be criminals? To murder everyone. THE WALL. HELLO. WE NEED IT. Come on now.

I ‘ve decided DACA should stay. They were kids when they came here. Of course they should stay. I ‘ve always thought that.

My approval ratings prove it. I ‘m so popular they ‘re building my library already. It ‘s in the lobby of Trump Tower. There won ‘t be books. Even better, there will be Dell computers. And they ‘re all gold. 100% gold Dells. Trump Library. That ‘s good. Sounds smart.

I spent a summer when I was in my 20s in Saudi Arabia. Very hot. But it ‘s all air conditioned. Good people. I met, one time, I met this broad. Beautiful. Legs. Oh my god. She was tall. Too tall. But tits out to here. She was something. I hired her a few years later. She was my secretary. Wow. You get it. He gets it.

‘ (He laughed and pointed to Mitch McConnell for an awkwardly long time. Mitch McConnell looked very confused.)

The old way was broken. And we fixed it. Make America Great Again! And we did! I ‘ve also removed the term limits. It ‘s now 10 terms max. Because we got to keep doing this good stuff. We voted on that. Privately. In my room. But there was a vote. That ‘s all. Good night. Bye bye.

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