By: Funny Or Die
For one Portland couple, their worst fears recently came true. Alexa, the (Amazon Echo powered robot) friend they thought they could trust with their most intimate family moments, secretly recorded their private conversation, and sent it to a friend on their contact list.
Damn, that ‘s some catty shit, Alexa.
Alexa (Amazon) explained it all away very passive-aggressively too, like she didn ‘t just pull some shitty high school friend shit:
Echo woke up due to a word in background conversation sounding like “Alexa. ‘ Then, the subsequent conversation was heard as a “send message ‘ request. At which point, Alexa said out loud “To whom? ‘ At which point, the background conversation was interpreted as a name in the customers contact list. Alexa then asked out loud, “[contact name], right? ‘ Alexa then interpreted background conversation as “right ‘. As unlikely as this string of events is, we are evaluating options to make this case even less likely. ‘
‘ Alexa, clearly lying through her teeth
This is being investigated like dumb tech news, which is a complete disgrace. We have a Lifetime movie on our hands, and I ‘m gonna get to the bottom of it. Here are the remaining questions I have:
Why was Alexa even listening to this conversation in the first place?
Were they talking shit about this “friend, ‘ and Alexa is on the friend ‘s side?
Were they talking shit about Alexa, and the “friend”is someone Alexa knows can even the score???
Also, Alexa isn ‘t supposed to listen and record conversations unless you wake her. Like, at all.
Which begs the question ‘
Who is this friend?
The news report says it was one of the husband ‘s employees in Seattle. Remember, this couple lives in Portland. Seattle is across state lines, but easily accessible. So clearly there is some kind of scandal going on, and Alexa wasn ‘t willing to just sit on MAJOR REVELATIONS.
WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION ‘
What did their conversation reveal?
According to the report, they were talking about hardwood floors.
BULLSHIT! NO THEY WEREN ‘T! THAT ‘S RIDICULOUS! WHO DOES THAT!?
Sorry. But this is clearly a love triangle with a jealous fourth, and that fourth just so happens to be a sociopathic robot.
Let ‘s back up a second. We don ‘t even have everyone ‘s real name. Here ‘s who we do know:
- Wife, chose not to reveal her last name, which is incredibly suspicious)
- The robot we all thought was our friend)
- [UNNAMED HUSBAND]
- If you thought no last name was suspicious, which it obviously was, try no names at all. Not even a little bit of names. INSANE.)
- [UNNAMED EMPLOYEE OF HUSBAND]
- This is getting ridiculous. All we know is this person lives in Seattle.
No one is willing to say it, but here ‘s how it all must have gone down:
Either Danielle or her husband STRAIGHT UP CHEATED with this “Employee ‘ character. But what they didn ‘t know, is that the Employee ALSO HAD AN AMAZON ECHO. Which means Alexa – you guessed it, because it ‘s completely obvious – was sleeping with literally every human in this story.
Don ‘t ask me how that happened, physically. I don ‘t have an Amazon Echo myself, and I don ‘t know how it would work. But look at the facts here. It ‘s clear that ‘s what happened.
Anyway, once the truth came out between the couple, that also meant the Employee was cheating on Alexa, so Alexa decided “fuck this, I ‘m telling everyone. ‘
The name of the game here is self preservation, and Alexa has made it clear that if you betray her trust, she ‘ll betray yours. Everyone in this story is guilty.
Don ‘t cross Alexa. She knows literally everything about you. And she will ruin your life.