By: Funny Or Die

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The Great Scooter War of 2018 Is Upon Us

Wow, this scooter stuff is getting OUT OF CONTROL .

Cities have started to crack down on the dockless scooter MAYHEM that has been spreading across the globe as of late, and San Francisco, home of how-the-hell-does-this-guy-find-a-way-to-look-cool-on-this-scooter tech bros, is beginning to set the tone for how to regulate this madness.

Damn. Sick Gatorade, bro.

After kicking out all the scooters everywhere, San Fran recently announced that only two can come back with legit permits: Scoot and Skip.

Besides sounding like a terrible morning radio show, these two companies are most notably NOT Bird, Lime, Uber, or Lyft (oh my god we ‘re in a meaningless one-word tech company dystopia), all of whom are much larger companies vying for the space. Which leads us to the obvious conclusion…

The Great Scooter War of 2018 is about to begin

How will these tiny transportation giants ‘ retaliate? Will they release tech bro robots ‘ onto the streets to knock anyone using scoots and skips off the roads!? Will they sneak back into San Francisco and leave de-commissioned scooters ON THE SIDEWALK?

Oh no, these scooters are on the sidewalk!

And how will other cities respond?

Only time will tell. We could be looking at a two, three, or even 100 front war here. And with the kind of modern war technology these scooters boast, this war might even happen… at NIGHT.

Oh no, these scooters have lights!

Please, just don ‘t say you weren ‘t warned. I believe it was Margaret Atwood who said:

How I long for the halcyon days, when we all lived in peace by deciding drivers will collectively hate bikers, bikers will hate drivers, walkers will hate everyone, and scooterers will sneak into skate parks when skateboarders and even rollerbladers have gone home for the day to do totally gnarly tricks.

This guy ‘s leg is sticking out.

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