By: Darren Miller

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Didn ‘t You JUST Shampoo Already, Like 2 Minutes Ago? An Investigative Report

Wow, a shower is exactly what you needed this morning to really wake up. Time to yourself – time to just relax, space out, get clean, and mentally prepare for the day ahead. Just what the doctor ordered.

Y ‘know, one of the great things about showering is that you do it every day, so after a while you can literally do it in your sleep. It ‘s a great way to ease into the tasks and stresses of the day, cause you don ‘t really have to stop and think about each part of the process.

Until you do.

It ‘s just about the time you squirt a bit of shampoo into your hand that you realize…

Did you already shampoo your hair? Like just a second ago?

Shit, you can ‘t remember. Suddenly the entire shower up to this point is a complete blur. Why does this shampoo look familiar? Is it because you do this every day? Or because you literally did it just now?

If it ‘s the latter, you must be ready to accept a whole host of implications that it ‘s far too early to consider right now. Namely:

  1. You ‘re doubling up on shampoo. That ‘s a complete waste. How many times is this gonna happen? How many times has this happened already, without you noticing? The impact on your wallet, your time, and the environment, really adds up. You could be living a completely different life than the one you ‘ve intended. You could be a completely different person than the person you once thought you were.
  2. Is it okay to wash your hair twice? Maybe shampoo is like, super harsh stuff. Or maybe this particular kind is. Don ‘t some shampoos tell you to do it twice? Shit, maybe you should be doing it twice. But you still can ‘t remember, so that doesn ‘t help, even if you want to.
  3. What the fuck is wrong with you? You can ‘t even remember the simplest thing you may or may not have done in the last two minutes; something you do literally every day. This is a sincere question. Something may be horribly awry. At best, you ‘re not getting nearly enough sleep. At worst, you ‘re in the middle of a goddamn stroke.
This woman is having a stroke

Wait a second. Don ‘t go crazy. Just retrace your steps.

Okay, you got into the shower and rinsed off. You always wash your face first. And you did that. You remember cause you were thinking about how this face wash claims to be moisturizing and acne fighting, but you ‘re starting to lose faith in those claims, because you keep breaking out once every few weeks, and at this point, fuck, you ‘re an adult, and that ‘s kind of a problem. Maybe if you just lather your face a LOT, it ‘ll help.

That ‘s when you started thinking about whether or not you ‘ll have enough time to walk the dog before work. She ‘s been super stubborn lately, so it ‘s really hard to tell. And you have an early meeting this morning so you don ‘t wanna chance it. You ‘re prepared for that meeting, by the way, right? Yeah, you ‘re good. Work is actually… going pretty well these days! SHIT!!!!

What were you doing in the shower during that whole thing? Did you seriously just retrace your thoughts? What about the actual shower? MY GOD.

Okay, you rinsed:

This was refreshing. This was memorable. This was nice.

You washed your face:

Mixed feelings about this one, but it went okay

You washed your hair:



You figured it out! Wow, that ‘s amazing. How satisfying is this!? Amazing. First hour of the day and you ‘ve already accomplished something huge.

Okay, forget all those implications from earlier. You can chalk this up to an early morning brain fart, let the shampoo rinse away, and continue your shower.

At least, that ‘s what you ‘re going to do, because it ‘s that, or an existential crisis, and it ‘s too early for that.

This woman is having an existential crisis

For now, just focus on getting through the day. And giving your dog a chance to poop before you leave.

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