By: Funny Or Die
by Julia Bianco
Riverdale went back to the ’80s last night, with predictably ridiculous results.
Fully decked out in some rad hairdos and clothes that were like, totally bitchin, ‘ the young stars of The CW series went back in time to play their own parents, which made for a flashback episode that started weird and only got weirder.
For the uninitiated, Riverdale is The CW ‘s take on the Archie comics, but it is absolutely nothing like the family friendly tales you remember. In this version, Archie is an ab monster with a Gritty-esque hairdo and a super hot dad who makes the comic book version of Fred Andrews look ‘ well, like the comic book version of Fred Andrews.
Hello, 911? I ‘d like to report the murder of my childhood.
Archie and his equally attractive friends are just regular teens who do regular teen stuff like getting milkshakes at the local diner, skipping class, and, of course, solving murders. Riverdale has more serial killers than San Quentin, but instead of the cops, you know, arresting any of them, they just let the teens figure it out.
You remember what high school was like, right?
This season, the kids are facing off against a mysterious killer called the Gargoyle King (not kidding), who is somehow involved in a Dungeons and Dragons-esque game that literally resulted in a person named Ben Button (also not kidding) jumping out of a hospital window after saying “you ‘ll fly too. ‘ (Still not kidding!)
Don ‘t worry, though– the sexy Scooby gang is already on the case. But there ‘s a twist! Their parents (or at least, the ones who aren ‘t currently in jail for murder) know something about the Gargoyle King and do not want their kids investigating. Not because kids shouldn ‘t be investigating a murder, no no, but because LARPing is dangerous. Alice Cooper, hoping to prevent Betty from Betty-ing up the situation, decides to sit her daughter down and tell her the whole story.
It ‘s a trip from start to finish, but here are the 18 most ridiculous moments.
1. For some reason, these teens are really, really obsessed with Gryphons and Gargoyles.
This game is so addictive that the youths of Riverdale couldn ‘t even stop reading the manual. The town mayor had to come to the school and tell them to stop! And she had to set up a 24-hour crisis hotline run by a student with no training in trauma counseling in case they couldn ‘t stop! Gryphons and Gargoyles is *serious*.
2. Betty still uses a *gasp* corded telephone.
In today ‘s episode of “When The Hell Does Riverdale Take Place? ‘, Betty still has an old school phone– cord and all– in the newspaper office. The best part about this is when Alice is trying to paint a picture of the ’80s for her, the first thing she says is that “phones had cords. ‘ They still have cords, Alice! Because this show can ‘t decide if it ‘s 1960 or 2018. Riverdale exists outside of space and time.
3. A doctor casually gave morgue records to a high school student.
For some reason, the town coroner has Betty Cooper on speed dial (or the corded phone equivalent) and is willing to just give her random death records from the ’80s, because that ‘s what coroners and teens do together and in Riverdale anything goes.
4. Archie without orange hair!
LET. ARCHIE. HAVE. BROWN. HAIR. NORMALLY. Please.
5. Of course, of course, of course, there ‘s a streaking scene.
Was this necessary? No. Did I love it? Yes.
6. The principal is ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL.
I see what you did there, The CW.
7. Penelope Blossom was a child bride???
Ginger supremacy strikes again– it turns out Penelope was adopted into the Blossom family so that they could groom her to marry Cliff. This show is like really, really into incest, because there just isn ‘t enough good old fashioned incest on television. (Looking at you, Game of Thrones)
8. The Midnight Club
Why are they so obsessed with this game that they sneak in after hours to play? Unclear! Why couldn ‘t they find somewhere other than the school to play this game? Also unclear! Why can ‘t we all stop watching this show? The most unclear!
9. Penelope somehow got a gem in a vending machine.
So let ‘s get this straight ‘ Penelope camped out in the lounge waiting for the vending machine people to turn up, then convinced them that instead of chips or cookies they should stock a random gem for some dumb game she and her friends are playing? And then instead of, y ‘know, putting some money in to get the gem out, Hermione and FP risk actual ‘death by shaking the vending machine instead. The real killer at Riverdale High is general idiocy.
10. The town obsession for this game runs deep and this whole thing feels like one big nerdy fever dream.
What ‘s better than one group of teens sneaking into school after hours to play role-playing games in full costume? Two groups of teens sneaking into school after hours to play role-playing games in full costume!
11. They ‘ve been invited to ~ascend~
The Gargoyle King took time out of his day to set up a bunch of nice snacks for these kids to enjoy before he murders them! Honestly seems like a pretty friendly guy– no one should die on an empty stomach.
12. FIZZLE ROCKS.
From the same great minds that brought us ‘Jingle Jangle ‘ comes this new drug that sounds like what North Pole elves snort in the staff bathroom on Christmas Eve. On an unrelated note, the writers of Riverdale are totally cool and hip and definitely 100% know drug lingo. (How do you do, fellow kids)
13. The Midnight Club has a band called… *sigh*… the Fredheads.
Guys, fun fact: Fred is just as bad a singer as Archie is. So crazy, the apple fell so close to the tree it ‘s almost like they ‘re the same person.
14. The Gargoyle King ‘s outfit is the most extra, to literally no one ‘s surprise.
How does he get around in that get-up? Do those wings even fit between doors? Does he need someone to zip up the back? Can he even operate a corded telephone with those branch arms? We need answers, Riverdale.
15. Cops? Never heard of them.
Remember that time you went to the diner after your friend ‘s dad ‘s literal funeral and then you started throwing murder accusations at each other over a tasty milkshake? Classic high school!
16. RIP Principal Featherhead 🙁
Why would a full-grown adult male drink from a random chalice last seen on the sink in the woman ‘s bathroom? Did the Gargoyle King drag his body into the closet while wearing his full costume? Did he know that this would someday be the very same closet that Jughead Jones would live in? Inquiring minds want to know!
17. Their solution to all this? Scatter the game pieces.
Don ‘t destroy the evil game, just casually hide the pieces around the school so that some more people can get murdered! Because, you know, logic.
18. Jughead is running a secret game of Gryphons and Gargoyles in his and Betty ‘s sex bunker, because of course he is.
It ‘s not an episode of Riverdale if it doesn ‘t end on a completely nonsensical cliffhanger. Somehow in the few hours since Betty has last seen Jughead, he ‘s gone deep into Gryphons and Gargoyles with a group of Serpents. And in their secret sex bunker, no less! There are rules for secret sex bunkers, Jughead. Rules.
With Jughead ‘s BFF Archie still in prison (yup!), will Betty be able to get him back on track? Or will we forget about this plot point in approximately two episodes in favor of something even more ridiculous? Either way, we ‘re in for a hell of a ride.