By: Funny Or Die

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Screw Your Family – Get These Holiday Gifts For Your Dog Instead

You ‘ve made your list, and you ‘ve checked it twice. Great work. You ‘re a good family member. Maybe take a photo just to prove you did all that before you THROW IT IN THE TRASH, CAUSE NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE DESERVE PRESENTS AS MUCH AS YOUR DOG.

Honestly, these “people ‘ (if you can call them that) have been a real drag on your holiday expenses for years now. Plus if you give them all gifts, and they all give you gifts, what are you really accomplishing? You ‘re all just moving money around for no reason.

This is the year where you can finally get gifts from your friends and family without canceling out your haul with expensive bullshit you throw right back at them. This is the year you treat your dog to the holiday gifts he ‘s always deserved (oh shit is it a he or a she? I didn ‘t see a dog penis but I deliberately didn ‘t check either so I really just guessed and I know I could have guessed wrong. In my defense, Lucky is a super basic dog name that gave me literally nothing to go off of).

Here are some great gifts you can get your dog while neglecting everyone else who loves and supports you, even if they need a human version of the same thing.


As the weather gets gross (yo wsup climate change), you gotta protect your feet. Grandma ‘s getting a little older now and it ‘s more important than ever that she have proper footing when she ventures outside. So hopefully she ‘ll get that figured out somehow, cause check out these adorable dog boots you can get for your dog!!!

Travel Carrier

Your sister ‘s still lugging around that ratty pink duffle bag she got for summer camp when she was 13 years old, and she ‘s a full grown adult now. New luggage would be the perfect gift for her. But honestly human luggage is INSANELY expensive so I wouldn ‘t even consider it. Your dog can ride in style in this pet carrier SUB-$40 – also it has “deluxe ‘ in the title, so I don ‘t know how you could possibly pass it up.

Fetch Balls

Remember last time you visited home and your cute lil nephew showed you how much he loved playing wiffle ball? It was pretty awesome. Anyhoo, seems like he ‘s got what he needs there. Get your dog these super durable fetch balls!!!


This is probably where you were planning on spending the bulk of your time on your list. Your niece just got into arts and crafts which opens up a whole world of great gift possibilities; then there ‘s all the cousins – I think one of them is really into skateboarding now, which is cool. Anyway, not sure what any of them have ever done for you. Your dog follows you around, sits on your lap, plays with you, and protects you from harmless neighbors ‘ dogs intruders EVERY DAY. So that ‘s where the toys are going this year. Case closed.

Ultrasonic Squeaky Toy

This toy looks awesome and isn ‘t annoying at all. It squeaks but ONLY FOR YOUR DOG which is also how you should characterize your entire 2019 gift list!

Toy Ball Of Treats

This one is annoying, but also very fun. It ‘s one of those things where you ‘re basically screwing with your dog in a really cruel way but then they get treats at the end so you sort of agree that you ‘re even in terms of karma. In case anyone ‘s questioning the depth and complexity of your relationship with your dog in comparison to these other losers that used to be on your list, you can refer them to this quagmire of an experience.

Food Dispenser

Look this one ‘s easy. Humans can make food for themselves. No one needs you to go out and get a dumb cake or pie or candy cane or whatever for them. Why don ‘t they get off their own butt and make their own eggnog? Your dog deserves endless food fed to them automatically on-demand without them (or you) having to lift a finger.

Winter Jacket

It ‘s getting cold! Let your family freeze and buy your dog this coat! It ‘s got “deluxe ‘ in the title – have you learned nothing thus far!???

New Dog Bed

This one ‘s a real treat. Over time, we age, our bones get fragile, our joints suffer, and yet we often forget to upgrade our mattresses, which keep us well-rested and healthy. Your Grandpa ‘s still sleeping on his cot from WWII for God ‘s sake. This is a good thing to remind your friends and family about while you buy this fluffy dog bed for your dog.

New Leash Who Dis

You gotta get a new leash, it ‘s been so long! No human uses a leash so obviously the person you buy this leash for should be your dog. Easy.

STOCKING STUFFER BONUS: A shit ton of poop bags!


BONUSBONUS: If you feel super guilty for not buying your friends and family anything, buy them a pack of these too. I ‘m sure they can figure out a good use for them. They ‘re just bags. They can put whatever in ’em. Use ’em as cheap stockings; hide their drugs; poop in ’em. Not your problem.

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