By: Funny Or Die

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How To Perfect The Thanksgiving Sandwich With Leftover Food And Regret

1. Buy the perfect bread

The bread is the most important part. It ‘s the only new thing you ‘ll be bringing to this sandwich full of leftover food and emotional discomfort. This food, you, and your family, have all been through a lot, so you ‘re gonna need something thick enough to handle this mess, but soft enough to be sensitive to the complete lack of physical and mental energy left in your jaw.

Try ciabatta bread! Or honestly, whatever you don ‘t have on hand. That way you can volunteer to run out and buy some bread and finally have a half hour to think straight.

Mmmm, this is thick enough to absorb years of resentment that seeped into last night ‘s family gathering

Then, toast it.

While it toasts, stare at it and think about everything you said last night that you shouldn ‘t have, and everything you should ‘ve said when you said nothing. Let it get nice and crunchy.

2. Cranberry sauce and condiments

Now that you ‘ve got your bread, you ‘re ready to spread stuff onto it. The obvious choice is cranberry sauce, but I recommend a layer of spicy brown mustard beforehand. It ‘ll give it just the unexpected kick you ‘ll need to really feel how much you bit your tongue last night.


Was it enough times? Or should you have stopped yourself from pointing out the misogynistic undertones in your cousin ‘s story about the hilarious prank he played on his co-worker last week? Were you actually helping anyone? Maybe!… Maybe.

3. Scrounge up some turkey

All that ‘s left is darkness… dark meat… skin… only darkness… just pile whatever you can find on there. It will nicely represent the rabbit hole you ended up in when your aunt asked you to explain your job one more time, and your whole family ended up giving you unsolicited career advice!

4. Unnecessary but obligatory stuffing layer

Stuffing is mostly just more bread, but like… soggy. It ‘s kind of like when you had to re-explain your entire break-up to your whole family cause they can ‘t seem to keep the names of any of your friends straight, and your girlfriend “was adorable. ‘ Now you get to re-live you re-living that!

“There is no remedy to carbs but to carb more ‘ – Henry David Thoreau ‘s annoying cousin

5. Fuck it, throw some mashed potatoes in there too

Why not, right? Your uncle ‘s weird friend already commented on your weight and then asked what you thought of “this whole Me Too thing ‘ within the span of like ten minutes, so it ‘s probably the best thing you can do at this point. And you can never have enough cushion for later when he hugs you goodbye for three seconds too long.

6. Brussels sprouts

Yes, Brussels sprouts! This is so that you can really feel all the layers of the emotional baggage you need to chew through, with a nice combo of bitterness and greens, so you can lie to yourself about this sandwich being healthy. It could give you just the amount of optimism you need to chime in when your family starts discussing “which lives matter. ‘ What an incredible topic for conversation! Happy 2018 Holiday Season, indeed!

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