By: Funny Or Die
For better or for worse, if you put a wishlist together for the holidays, that list will tell your story. It will tell your family and friends, “This is who I am, and this is who I aspire to be. ‘ Keep in mind, the people looking at this list are the people who care about you most. You don ‘t want to send this link out only to make people think, “Oh God, I hope this poor soul someday recovers. ‘
There ‘s only one good solution here: lie about what you want to make yourself look cool, then return all the cool stuff and buy what you actually want: video games and Garfield stuff. It ‘s a foolproof plan.
So if you were to be a normal healthy adult who works out, here ‘s some great stuff you ‘d want.
OF COURSE you lift. They shouldn ‘t have to ask. You lift like a BUNCH! You lift so much you need adjustable dumbells so you can vary all the weight you lift cause that ‘s a thing that sometimes happens I guess.
Dumbell weights really only get you halfway there if you know what I mean and neither of us know what I mean. Kettlebells are like… different. You need them both if you ‘re really serious about working out, is a thing you could hypothetically say to sound like a normal healthy human being.
Doorway Pull-Up Bar
This is perfect for when you want to, uh… do… pull-ups… Hmmm… Well the main thing here is that like… weights are great for when you wanna lift stuff, but this is something that lifts you, so that ‘s like a whole different thing. Also as you can see from the product title, this is a whole system. So that ‘s pretty huge.
Actually this one you might wanna keep cause it ‘s fun to bounce while you play video games.
You can use this to carry your weights to the gym. Wait, don ‘t gyms have their own weights? Shit, your story is starting to fall apart here.
This is a thing you ‘ve seen boxers do in movies, which means it ‘d be cool if it were also a thing people thought you use. Maybe put a note by this one like “ugh I ‘ve broken too many of these :-/ ‘
This one is gonna be a trick. You don ‘t need to return it, because little known secret about water bottles: you don ‘t have to put water in them. I put straight up everclear in mine. Put skittles in yours, see if I care.
iPhone Armband For Running
Here ‘s another fun trick. Instead of using this for running, wrap it around your leg while you ‘re sitting on your couch (lol always amirite). Then you have your hands free for a video game controller, tv remote, whatever you decided to put in that water bottle, etc. and you ‘ll never miss a text from someone about plans you ‘re about to cancel.
Yet another trick. This looks and sounds like a “running belt ‘ whatever that is, but it ‘s really a snack pouch. You ‘re welcome.
This one ‘s important, because it ‘ll make it look like you work out so much you sometimes get the kind of nagging injuries that are bad enough for you to need a solution, but not so bad that you can ‘t handle it without going to the doctor. Because you are a true pro and you definitely work out all the time, and know stuff about muscles and joints and things.