Someone Named Their Child Abcde Because Truly These Are The End Times

You are mad someone is making fun of your girls name and you named her “Abcde ‘? What did you… think… was… gonna… happen… https://t.co/wpzu4rNBT4

‘ Chris D'Elia (@chrisdelia) November 29, 2018

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Now look. It ‘s easy to criticize. I ‘m not a parent.

I am, however, a human from earth

And if I ‘ve learned anything in my time functioning on a basic level and existing among other people it ‘s that actions have consequences, like, for example, if you ‘re gonna name your kid a straight up excerpt from the alphabet your kid ‘s gonna have a bad fuckin time.

My parents almost named me Murphy, after the strong, successful, fictional power-house reporter of the 1980 ‘s, Murphy Brown. They didn ‘t, though, because they thought about it for more than five minutes and realized that naming your daughter Murphy is insane.

Did we learn nothing from Johnny Cash?? “A Boy Named Sue ‘ wasn ‘t a fun little ditty it was a CAUTIONARY TALE

Giving your child a dumb name like ABCDE should be considered child abuse because you ‘re willing to condemn your child to a lifetime of mockery so you can get attention.

‘ Bridget Phetasy (@BridgetPhetasy) November 29, 2018

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If there ‘s one thing I hate more than child abuse it ‘s lazy writing, so by all accounts I expected to be LIVID about this. But, honestly, the world ‘s ending soon anyway. The globe is warming, the seas are rising, there ‘s only like, 12 different species of animals left, Trump has access to nuclear launch codes – it ‘s all wrapping up soon by one method or another.

So you know what, go to town. Name your kid crazy shit.

Abcde? Perfect.

Rock “The Rock ‘ Rockson? Go for it.

Chad? Actually… no. End of the world or not don ‘t do that to your kid.

Better yet, name YOURSELF crazy shit.

Go big, take this chance to rename yourself something that truly exemplifies who you are. Personally, I ‘ve decided to change my name from Sloane to SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE or something else that says “living in constant existential dread ‘.

Thank you, Texas mom, for sharing your terrible, terrible judgement with the world, so that we may be inspired to free ourselves from the chains of our boring names that are actually names and not complete gibberish.

The world is ending, do whatever you want.