By: David Saint
Learning your ABC ‘s ranks up there as one of the dumbest, most annoying requirements for modern life, along with maintaining your inside voice and, you know, not naming your kid Abcde. Think about it: You don ‘t need your ABCs to shake hands like a man. Right? You don ‘t need them to shave your body hair. Or to do dance cardio at the gym. And you sure as hell don ‘t need the alphabet to have a mind-blowing shoulder rub with someone you cherish and/or just met at a Sizzler Family Restaurant. ‘Right?
Why the ABCs are a total scam
Honestly, knowing the names of letters, and what order they go in, is really not worth the trouble. There are way too many letters in the ABC ‘s, first of all, and each one is really two, so right away we ‘re asking people to do math ON TOP OF memorizing a bunch of shapes? 10/10 hard pass right there.
Plus, reciting your ABCs ‘ ‘been there, done that. It ‘s boring. There ‘s no sense of surprise or danger. You ‘ve probably noticed this little conundrum, too: when singing the ABCs, where ‘s the creeping sense of dread that you ‘re not doing it right that goes hand-in-hand with living life? It ‘s a scam.
That ‘s why this book could change you
This new alphabet book has restored my lack of faith in humanity. It is my new bucket list. Written by Raj Haldar, who is also the rapper Lushlife, and Chris Carpenter (who is another person), P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever effectively brings back that sense of grinding difficulty and head-splitting annoyance we all miss so much from learning our ABCs the first time around.
While the disorienting lessons spring up and demand you point your vision at them thanks to illustrations by Maria Beddia, most of what this book does is point out how batshit weird the English language is. ‘And it ‘s already doing really well so far.
My favorite lesson is the lesson this book doesn ‘t teach you (which is that 1 + 1 = 2). But still.
There ‘s some good stuff in here for sure. ‘
The book spotlights words that have silent letters, or weird grammar rules, and invites you to ponder dangerous word traps and oddities. And you might learn something new along the way, like how the dude in the below picture seems confused by his own chalkboard magic spell.
Some of the examples genuinely make you question your own smartness ‘
While other lessons teach really important principles that, honestly, could change your life and maybe even help you find love.
Their is sew much subtle knowledge, it ‘s knot confusing bye any means
Straight up: don ‘t you feel that giddy rush as you get to know your ABCs and see them in a whole new way? ‘
Go ahead, read this one out loud
Surprise, surprise: the people who made this book are extremely excellent. Meet them.
He ‘s also proven the existence of a synthesizer afterlife.
Chris Carpenter, meanwhile, appears to be one of those annoyingly talented types who has found professional, creative, and personal success.
The illustrator, Maria Beddia, appears to like ramen AND raising dog children, so that ‘s like 100 points right there.
If you like her stuff, check out her shop.
Order P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever for your tiny loved ones, or for your bigger loved ones who are in decline, or for your colleagues who just need a refresher. ‘Or get the activity kit and learn something for yourself.
Visit Funny Or Die ‘s Best of the Web for more.