Pirate Impersonator Ghosted by Ghost Pirate Lover

When it comes to dating, perhaps the two most well known proverbs are “opposites attract ‘ and “birds of a feather flock together ‘. Given how they totally contradict each other, you ‘d think it would be impossible to apply them both when looking for a potential partner. However, one woman managed to do exactly that. She found someone she had things in common with, but was also her complete opposite.

The woman? 45-year-old Amanda Teague, an Irish Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator (for real). Her beau?

Jack, a 300-year-old ghost pirate.

I guess she ‘s into older men.

Having things in common is what lays the groundwork for any successful relationship. Some couples like horror movies, some couples like hiking, some couples are both pirates named Jack (or at least impersonate one) – it ‘s all just about being able to connect with someone. But, on the other spectral hand, you have to have enough that separates you to keep things interesting and fun. And, folks, there ‘s really no union more diametrically opposite than if you ‘re a living breathing person and your spouse is a fucking ghost.

But apparently even the dead have marital issues

Less than one year after their wedding last January, Amanda and Jack the fucking ghost pirate have decided to call it quits. The couple hasn ‘t disclosed the reason for their separation, but truth be told, the relationship was half-dead from the start. Perhaps Jack ‘s work schedule was just too much, maybe he spent too many days working overtime at the ol ‘ ghost ship, tormenting all ye who dare enter. Or maybe they realized that they wanted different things, for instance maybe she wanted kids, and maybe he wanted to focus on damning the souls of mortals who discovered his gold doubloons. Honestly it could ‘ve been something as simple as a lack of communication, it ‘s gotta be hard to argue through a ouija board.

This is all spec(tral)ulation, of course. We may never know for certain what the final nail in the coffin was, and we really shouldn ‘t pry. Breakups are never easy, and I ‘m sure this ordeal is going to haunt Amanda for quite some time.

I gotta say though, I ‘m glad they ‘re not together anymore. Apparently Jack was executed in the 1700 ‘s for high seas thievery. Listen, I ‘m not usually one to judge a phantasmal manifestation for their job alone, but that just sounds to me like he hit the peak of his career a few hundred years ago and hasn ‘t really done much since, and if you don ‘t even have a physical body you should at least have some ambition. Frankly, he was just dead weight in this marriage. Good riddance.

Amanda, girl, if you ‘re reading this, you deserve better. Like someone with a pulse, maybe.