By: Sloane Hughes
Are you struggling to find a last minute gift for a kid in your life? Don ‘t know what to get the kid who has everything? Do you fucking hate children? Boy do I have the toy for you.
This year, give something special. Like trauma, the gift that keeps on giving.
New from Hasbro, the company that brought you things like My Little Pony and ouija boards, comes a toy that is sure to make this holiday season a truly memorable one. Introducing, Yellies! Fuzzy electronic spiders that are drawn to the sound of your voice, and the louder you are, the faster they move.
THE LOUDER YOU SCREAM, THE FASTER THE SPIDERS WILL COME AFTER YOU
LIKE WHO THE HELL GREEN LIT THIS PROJECT
I don ‘t know for sure how the pitch meeting went that lead to this creature of hell becoming a reality, but it was probably something like…
“Okay, so for this new toy – you remember how in A Nightmare Before Christmas Jack Skellington and friends replaced all of the children ‘s toys with their own versions, which came to life and terrorized everyone and for sure caused extensive psychological damage that would require years of therapy? ‘
“… Yes ‘
“That ‘s it. That ‘s my whole pitch ‘
“It ‘s perfect ‘
Unsurprisingly, this toy is already traumatizing children. And maybe I ‘m just an asshole, but it is fucking hilarious.
(You can read this mom ‘s detailed experience with Yellies here)
The slogan for the toy is “the louder you yell, the faster they go ‘ which could also 100% be the tagline for a goddamn horror movie. The advertised age limit is “5 and up ‘, which seems unfair because I really don ‘t think you ‘re ever too young to be emotionally scarred. It ‘s all about that early development, right?
Amazingly, they are flying off the shelves. Some Target and Walmart locations have actually sold out of particular models, and considering that these would be a CLEARLY HORRIFIC GIFT NO ONE COULD SERIOUSLY BUY WITH GOOD INTENTIONS, this can only mean one thing:
A fuck ton of people agree that the idea of scaring the absolute shit out of kids is hilarious.
And, honestly, they ‘re not wrong. I know you generally shouldn ‘t buy things for yourself this time of year because that kind of goes against the whole spirit of the holidays, but c ‘mon, watching one (or more, if you ‘re chaotic evil) of these little spider toys from hell rip around the house after your friend ‘s kid would almost be a gift in itself.
Look I ‘m not saying you SHOULD do this, I ‘m just saying that if you WANTED TO, you can buy them here.