By: Sloane Hughes
We ‘ve seen some crazy shit go down in recent years and there are few things that surprise me anymore. I ‘m jaded, I ‘ll admit it. At this point it takes quite one hell of a story for me to bat an eyelash, and, folks, this one is a doozy.
On Sunday morning, Texas police officers responded to a call about a woman driving a motorized scooter while drinking wine from a Pringles can in a Walmart parking lot, and had been doing so for several hours.
Let ‘s unpack this shall we?
First of all, driving around a parking lot in a scooter for hours is weird enough on its own. Let ‘s start there.
That ‘s already not a normal thing to do. Especially since several news outlets have noted the fact that this particular scooter is the kind intended for people with mobility issues, so the implication is that this woman didn ‘t actually need the scooter. Odd choice of transportation but hey, I get it, car payments are a bitch.
Moving on to the public intoxication.
I have a lot of questions about this. The most pressing one being, what kind of Pringles?
Do you pair different Pringles dust with different wines like you ‘d pair them with dinner?? Are there rules?? Like, if red wine is for meat, would you then pour a nice full-bodied Malbec into a can that once held BBQ chips?? I NEED TO KNOW.
The second thing that needs to be addressed about the Pringles (de)can(ter) wine (heh, see what I did there?) aspect of this story is that she was found by authorities at around 9am…. but the person who called the cops reported that she ‘d been driving around the parking lot since 6:30am, so we can assume then that she ‘d been drinking WINE out of a CAN OF PRINGLES since SIX-THIRTY-IN-THE-MORNING. But I mean…. At least she repurposed the empty can? Points for being eco-friendly.
No details about the woman have been released other than she was found by police at a nearby restaurant, and although the didn ‘t arrest or charge her, they did inform her that she ‘s now banned from Walmart for life. You ‘d think she would ‘ve at least gotten a DUI, or some kind of small charge for committing heinous crimes against wine and snack foods – clearly the justice system is in need of reform.
This is it. This is the new extreme by which we should all measure the severity of our low points from now on. Next time you want to check in on your friends, ask them:
On a scale from one to ripping around a Walmart parking lot in a scooter getting fucked up on Pringles can wine at 6:30am, how rough are things for you right now?