By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The ‘Growing Pains ‘ When Matthew Perry Drove Drunk And Hit A Tree

Remember the ‘Growing Pains ‘ when Matthew Perry drove drunk and hit a tree? It was a very special episode.

As the episode begins, Carol ‘s getting ready for her date with Sandy (Matthew Perry), a guy who is NOT YET her boyfriend because Sandy isn ‘t trying to rush into any labels.

Papa Seaver questions Sandy ‘s intentions, as sand often invades bodily cervices when you least expect it. Carol yanks the Sand Man outta there.

Mama Seaver likes Sandy! Papa remains skeptical. And Papa ain ‘t wrong. All Sandy wants to do is suck porch face.

Sandy won Carol ‘s heart with a very mature dorm party followed by a romantic dinner for two at a dive bar where they feasted on cheap beer and free peanuts.

Sandy invites Carol to a dean ‘s list lunch tomorrow! Carol says being hungover at a nerd fest sounds like a hoot, but she ‘s got a family brunch with grandma. (If I don ‘t be there I ‘ll be dead) Damn, Carol this brunch sounds serious.

Sandy says it ‘d be nice to have his …. GIRLFRIEND by his side. Oh, crap! Carol, horny for commitment, says Grandma can suck waffles. She ‘ll be there!

Meanwhile, Ben, a pervert, films his sister ‘s grope-a-thon. For blackmail? Or jacking off? Probably a jackmail combo.

Carol is BUSTED past curfew. But while she discretely cloaks her sinner breath, Mama Seaver says she ‘s gonna let it slide. Cool mom alert! Carol reveals Sandy finally made things GIRLFRIEND official! She ‘s never felt this ready to abandon her priorities and let a man ruin her life.

Speaking of which: Grandma who? Gonna miss brunch tomorrow.

Carol did not miss much. The only event of note was Ben farted. But while Ben was blasting ass in Gram Gram ‘s grill, Carol got stood up.

Sandy didn ‘t call! Sandy didn ‘t text! Texting doesn ‘t even exist yet! Ring ring! It ‘s Sandy ‘s roommate Doug. Great time for Mike to do some shtick. ABORT SHTICK! Sandy was in a car crash last night.

The gang hits the ER. Doug says these quacks are clueless! Sandy looks fine! Case closed as far as Detective Doctor Doug is concerned.

They ‘re only letting family in, but Doug tells the nurse Carol is Sandy ‘s sister! So go easy on the making out, it ‘s Long Island not Mississippi.

Carol chand believe it. Sandy was fine yesterday! Because she doesn ‘t understand how days or accidents work.

(Honey sometimes a friendly face can do more than any medicine…right) Where the fuck did you go to med school, Jason?

Carol blows her sister story. But covers by saying she ‘s Sandy ‘s fianc ‘. Which is why you really need to be careful rushing into labels.

Sandy has had a VERY long, hard night. He ‘s binged up something fierce. He hit a tree with his car! Don ‘t worry, the tree is fine. And he ‘s going to be charged with drunk driving. Carol says they were only a little buzzed! She was still two light beers away from whipping out a midnight porch titty. Sandy concurs. He ‘s driven WAY drunker no problem. Had a blast. His luck must ‘ve run out.

Carol hospital yells at the infirmed man with tubes up his butt that he ‘s, in fact, super lucky. He got a second chance! He ‘ll never drive drunk again.

She asks if he wants anything. (A beer?) My guy. Sandy ‘s just joking! He makes jokes when he ‘s uncomfortable. Speaking of comfort, an ice cold brew dog would really take the edge off.

Meanwhile, Jason is coming around to Sandy. By the by, how did that sensible young graduate of Sonny Bono Driving Academy total his car? Carol says it was an honest mistake. Could ‘ve happened to anyone. He got shitfaced and drove a car.

Ma and Pa Seaver do some hospital yelling, runs in the family, reprimanding Carol for being a moron. A timeless way to get your message across to a youth. Doug returns with snacks! Ha! The nurse slips on a banana! What a fun hospital visit.

Hot damn, can ‘t wait to tell Mike the banana story. Oh no. Doug just called. It ‘s never good when Doug calls. Sandy. He fucking died just moments ago. The doctors said, “Could there BE any more internal bleeding?!? ‘

Carol freaks OUT. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good man? On Long Island? And what happened to second chances? Carol, silver lining: You were right about Sandy never driving drunk again.

Things end with a sobering statistic: 29 people have been hurt or killed by drunk drivers during this episode. Plot twist: 30. Double plot twist: ALL of them were Sandy ‘s fault, thank god he ‘s off the street.

So what did we learn today?

Being on the dean ‘s list and partying are not mutually exclusive. But know your limits and never drink and drive! Because you WILL hit a tree and die from internal bleeding. End of story. Check the scoreboard. See you next time on A Very Special Episode ‘

Need a proper fix of Growing Pains? Watch the show now on iTunes here.

Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi

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