The Funniest Tweets By Women This Week

1st tattoo: a quote from Dante ‘s inferno it symbolizes man ‘s attraction to sin and transgression

30th tattoo: a salami and it represents a salami

‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 28, 2019

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Why is anyone surprised that women are attracted to a weird guy with butthole eyes and freewheeling sexual energy? We want to fuck Beetlejuice dude. We are in group chats talking about coughing up a hairball after sucking the Grinch's dick. Grow up

‘ Emma (@Merman_Melville) March 4, 2019

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my roommate ‘s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it ‘s a fake plant

‘ gracie hoos (@cottoncandaddy) March 3, 2019

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Exhausted from being so far ahead of my time

‘ Julie (@julesspeterson) February 23, 2019

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i do sell nudes, nudes of my heart, they are my tweets and the price is zero dollars

‘ dirt prince (@pant_leg) March 3, 2019

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mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

‘ jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) February 6, 2019

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When I was 15 my sister told me a scrotum was a skirt with shorts underneath

‘ Natalia (@nataliayajia) February 12, 2019

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Nobody:

Kid who ‘s double-jointed: look pic.twitter.com/4pdYyRgOT8

‘ sarah schauer (@SJSchauer) March 8, 2019

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Wait are there men who have never punched a hole in drywall does that exist

‘ Michaela Okland (@MichaelaOkla) February 23, 2019

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Hi! How are you? Why don ‘t airplanes have cup holders?

‘ D'Arcy Carden (@DarcyCarden) March 8, 2019

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I miss how dating used to be. You didn't have to use Tinder. You could just acquire a toad to carry around from the swamps. If you wanted to kiss him & turn him into a prince, you could. And if not, you still had a nice toad companion. Simpler times.

‘ Roxi Horror (@roxiqt) October 16, 2018

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thinking about yelling, “thar she blows ‘ the next time i cum

‘ jen merritt!!! (@jennifermerr) March 1, 2019