By: Dashiell Driscoll
The ‘Webster ‘ When He Torched The Apartment
Remember the ‘Webster ‘ when he set the apartment on fire with a chemistry set? It was a very special episode.
The episode starts as Webster eyes a table of sweet toys. Katherine (Susan Clark) warns she brought them from work for testing as they ‘ve all received consumer complaints and may be dangerous!
George (Alex Karras) found a chemistry set! He used to LOVE these things. Katherine tells him that a customer said it ‘s boring. George says of course it is when you follow lame instructions! George used to make all kinds of secret menu explosives. One time he tied a rocket to his brother and launched him on the roof!
Webster (Emmanuel Lewis) thinks this amateur terrorism sounds like it rocks major sack! It ‘s too dangerous for Webster to play with alone, but they can all be science dorks together tomorrow. They send him to bed so they can bone.
Ok, I guess that ‘s what he calls his balls? Peculiar. Webster makes his move and snatches the chemistry set.
This bear is heading to space, or at least his upstairs neighbor. But playing with fire is just too dang fun and Lil Nye wakes up the adults! He stashes the smoldering evidence in the closet. The perfect crime.
I wouldn ‘t count on it.
Webster wakes up in a Willie Nelson tour bus simulation. Let ‘s check that experiment. Ah, yes, this supports the hypothesis that fire is hot. Smokin ‘ Hawking decides he likes his bear after all then calls for help from his blazing bedroom.
JESUS CHRIST! YOU WASH YOUR SWEATERS WITH GASOLINE, BRO?!?
Webster tells the fire department to bring their BIGGEST cup of water. Katherine frantically tries to rescue her cookbooks. What are you doing Katherine? …cookbooks. Fucking seriously, Katherine? They grab their most useless junk and hit the hallway to warn neighbors.
Most of whom are receptive. But one guy doesn ‘t buy it and returns to his certainly purchased threesome. Webster forgot his box of mementos with a photo of his dead parents! Jesus Christ, that is dark. George risks his life for Webster ‘s memento box then escapes this human BBQ.
The shell-shocked trio hides out at Jerry ‘s (Henry Polic II).
Webster knows that game! He can give you pointers on finding a new one. George wants to call a doctor to score drugs for his melted hand. Webster, consumed with guilt, doesn ‘t want his mementos anymore. Well, then, what the shit was the point of all that, Webster?
Jerry encourages them to cheer up! Jerry might have to encourage a little harder. The fire is extinguished, but the apartment ‘s destroyed. They ‘re investigating the fire source. Might have something to do with beakers they found in the closet. ‘
George and Katherine bicker over who ‘s to blame. Katherine brought the set through the door but George got Webster jacked up on homemade explosions. Only one thing is for sure: It ‘s ALL Webster ‘s fault. Webster ‘s cue to dip.
Jerry puts things in perspective. They ‘re alive! And they don ‘t have to spend tomorrow doing a boring chemistry kit. Now let Webster confess. Where is he?
Neil deGrasse Arson is in a museum of his fuck-upery. Webster admits he started the fire playing with the forbidden chemistry set.
This angers George as he specifically said, “DON ‘T DO THAT, ‘ then Webster did it and they almost all died and now their shit is destroyed. Webster thought he couldn ‘t get hurt playing with safety matches. Because kids are morons.
Katherine lies and says they both still love him.
Then tells a story about a little girl who dropped a match down an elevator shaft. That match started a fire that caused MASSIVE damage to the building. That girl? WAS KATHERINE. And nobody ever found out. Because she kept her mouth shut and it was a different time for forensics. THAT ‘S how you commit arson, Mr. Evidence Trail.
A big mistake? That haircut ‘s a big mistake. Y ‘all belong in jail.
The fam makes plans to move somewhere. They ‘ll figure it out. Season two just started! And more importantly, who cares.
Yup! You sure did.
So what did we learn today?
Listen to your adoptive parents about dangerous chemistry sets. Science rules, but it ‘s not worth dying in a fire. Expensive bucket list sex? That ‘s another story. And safety matches are not safe. Only a kid would think that. Kids are stupid. And if your room is burning, toss a cup of water. It won ‘t do anything, it ‘s just funny and you could probably use a laugh. And you can replace stuff. But your family? You can replace them, too! Just ask Webster. See you next time on A Very Special Episode. ‘
Need a proper fix of Webster? Watch the show now on YouTube here.
Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi