By: Dashiell Driscoll
The ‘Blossom ‘ With The Gun-Toting Student And Alcoholic Clown
Remember the ‘Blossom ‘ when a kid brought a gun to school and Joey met an alcoholic clown? It was a very special episode.
The episode begins with Blossom (Mayim Bialik) running into her dear friend Jimmy (Devon Gummersall) whom she hasn ‘t seen in a while. He ‘s been mysteriously absent.
It ‘s Blossom, Jimmy. The only fucking person named Blossom.
Jimmy got a gun. Say hello to my very little friend. He brought it to scare someone. Mission accomplished, Blossom ‘s about to shit her OshKosh B ‘gosh. Jimmy tells her to keep things quiet.
Six (Jenna von O ‘) got detention. A kid tagged a teacher ‘s desk and when nobody ratted the whole class got in trouble. Blossom leaps at the chance to complain about this awful no-snitch culture. Six explains people don ‘t tattle because they ‘re afraid.
Only two of those are scary, you numerically named narc.
Blossom sings about Jimmy ‘s heater. Then swears Six to secrecy, because these gals have such a strong track record thus far.
Yeah, Blossom. Was that gun a bar of soap?
Blossom has the anonymous betrayal hotline memorized.
Wow, half-days every time there ‘s a shooting? The 90 ‘s were luxurious.
Blossom will feel guilty if Jimmy ‘s expelled. But not as guilty as she ‘d feel if Jimmy expels a cap in someone ‘s ass behind the library.
Blossom is rehearse snitching. Workshopping voices. Making a meal out of it. But does she REALLY want to piss off a guy with a gun? Sure!
Vinnie says Blossom did the right thing (Debatable) and that she has nothing to worry about (A god damn lie).
Except when the fuzz comes knocking, they don ‘t find that blicky. Jimmy ‘s a free man. A free man with a weapon who knows Blossom dropped dime.
He STILL doesn ‘t know her name. That should make her easier to murder!
Meanwhile, Joey ‘s watching TV. Ding dong! This clown needs directions to Blueberry Lane and asks to come inside.
Joey, you can ‘t afford to not let this guy inside this instant.
Joey knows him! He ‘s Frosty. He did Joey ‘s sixth birthday! Speaking of birthdays, Frosty ‘s late for some kid ‘s party. Joey points him that direction, but a slurring Frosty is disoriented.
Frosty ‘s still got it! Joey volunteers to drive this hammered costumed jokester to a house full of children.
Blossom tells her dad about the snitchuation. Daddy wants to run it up the old suburban snitch ladder to the police. Blossom defends Jimmy, a job his pistol already has more than covered.
Meanwhile, Joey ‘s driving Frosty in the sad van he probably lives in, while he sips hooch from a giant bottle. Frosty wants to pull over to the side of the canyon to take a leak. Then we hear a scream.
Frosty ‘s fine. He just wanted to behold this city of angels and piss all over it. The La La Land we deserve.
Joey was worried this alcoholic clown offed himself. You know, with the screaming and sad drinking and whatnot. Frosty ‘s thought about it. He ‘s thought about it a lot. His head is like a small car and thoughts of suicide just keep jumping out! Joey offers to get Frosty some help.
Tony (Michael Stoyanov) tells Blossom how much he loves AA. He always sees some pathetic loser and it makes him feel great about his shitty life by comparison! Then today ‘s your lucky day, Tony!
Joey introduces the gang to Frosty The Alcoholic Clown. Joey wants Tony to bring him to a meeting. Tony is reluctant. I mean, it ‘s already anonymous. You don ‘t exactly need face makeup.
Blossom bumps into Vinny (David Lascher) who tells her the good news. She ‘s safe! Jimmy had an accident with his gun last night. Let ‘s just say 5 out of 5 dentists DO NOT recommend using it as a toothbrush.
And we never see Frosty again.
He probably fucking killed himself.
So what did we learn today?
Piss off gun owners at your own risk. Because they might kill you. And just because you ‘re an alcoholic, suicidal disaster doesn ‘t mean you can ‘t still be hilarious. And life is often overwhelming, but you ‘ll get through it if you accept help and if your enemies blow their own brains out. See you next time on A Very Special Episode. ‘
Need a proper fix of Blossom? Watch the show now on Amazon here.
Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi