By: Sloane Hughes

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The Wildest Canadian Headlines Ever

While they don ‘t compare to the insanity that is Florida Man, Canada has some supremely weird headlines that go unnoticed by the rest of the world and I am here to change that. There have been way too many wild stories that have breezed through Canadian news reels but haven ‘t managed to get past the border and it is a damn shame. They need to be shared with the world, and you need, nay ‘ DESERVE to experience them just as I have.

The time a crow stole a knife from an active crime scene

Courtesy of HuffPost

A guy in Vancouver, British Columbia threatened police with a knife while they were responding to a call about a car fire and while they were able to get him to drop the knife, it was quickly picked up by Canuck the crow, who carried it for like 20 feet while being chased by the cops, but eventually dropped it. He has yet to be charged with crime scene tampering, and although he ‘s on the run from the law, that hasn ‘t stopped him from making appearances around the city.

Canuck is known for riding the SkyTrain, busses, beating up cyclists, and for refusing to give an interview or take a political stance during local elections.

AND after all of this, Canuck was elected the unofficial ambassador of Vancouver with 81% of the votes, because Vancouverites love a rebel.

Feet regularly wash up on the shores of BC

Yeahhhhh…. So…… There ‘s no real way to kind of ease into this one. This is a thing that just happens. Every so often, feet wash up on beaches of Canada ‘s west coast. So often, in fact, that the headlines about it actually sound bored.

Uh oh, another pesky foot ‘s turned up on the beach again! Sigh, what are you gonna do.

Since 2007, there ‘s been TWENTY (20) feet that have washed up on the shores of the Pacific Northwest, which is extremely grotesque but hey at least it ‘s a nice round number. This has been going on for long enough now that there ‘s even a Wikipedia page for it, and it baffled people for quite a while but after a number of investigations, the explanation from experts is, “hey, don ‘t panic everyone. There ‘s no foul play, there ‘s a lot of feet on the beaches because there ‘s just a lot of dead bodies floating out there.

Cool, thanks, I feel much better now.

The time a man got banned from a hotel because of seagulls

Okay. This is probably the wildest story I ‘ve ever read. Where do I start.

A Canadian man was headed to Vancouver Island from Nova Scotia for a conference, and he decided to bring his friends a delicacy from back home. The delicacy being Chris Brothers TNT Pepperoni. So he brought it in a giant suitcase, because I guess he needed a lot of pepperoni, and when he got to the hotel he realized the mini fridge just wasn ‘t big enough (don ‘t you just hate it when your hotel doesn ‘t provide ample room to refrigerate your briefcases full of meat?) so he decided to leave it open, by a window which was also open, and then go for a walk. What could go wrong.

A few hours later (long-ass walk but alright) he came back to his hotel room to find that upwards of 40 goddamn seagulls had busted into his hotel room through the window, ate all the pepperoni in the suitcase, which I want to remind everyone was extremely spicy, it literally has TNT in the name, shat absolutely everywhere, and then were scared out of their minds when he came back into the room. Creating a vortex of pepperoni shrapnel, feathers, giant birds, and fiery poops. He fought bravely and managed to get the birds out of the room, even if it meant catching them in towels and literally hurling them out of the window one by one.

After this he was banned from the hotel for 17 whole years, it was supposed to be a lifetime ban but it was lifted last April, so I hope he ‘s celebrating this one year anniversary with some pepperoni… next to a closed window.

Mr. Burchill telling the story of how he got banned from the Fairmont Hotel to the front desk staff 17 years after his lifetime ban was lifted

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