By: Sloane Hughes
If you grew up on Earth anytime during or after the 1980 ‘s you have definitely played Super Mario. Nintendo was an integral part of our childhoods, and the Mario franchise reigned supreme ‘ deciding who would be forced to play as Luigi was how hierarchies were established within families, dying on the same levels over and over was how we learned to persevere, these games shaped who we were! And the characters and foes are seared into the brains of most, if not all of us.
You got your Koopas ‘ those turtle-y lookin ‘ boys
Bob-ombs ‘ the pesky little guys who dropped out of the sky and exploded
Shy Guys ‘ the dudes with the robes and the masks on, because, y ‘know, they ‘re shy
Boos ‘ possibly the most annoying enemy ever since they sneak up on you
And Goombas ‘ those things that look like very angry mushrooms
Goombas are nice because they ‘re very easy to kill. They ‘re small, they don ‘t move super fast, they kinda just waddle along the ground, and they never hurl anything at you because they don ‘t have hands.
EXCEPT APPARENTLY THEY DO???
NO. NO NO NO. THIS IS WRONG.
I wanted to chalk this up to being a fake, borderline blasphemous knock-off product made by some company looking to make a quick buck off Mario while simultaneously ruining my childhood, but then I noticed the Nintendo branding on the back.
Okay, let ‘s think about this logically. The video games never once featured Goombas with arms. Right?
Right! Like not even ONCE!
So then clearly this one eraser is an anomaly, a glitch in the Matrix, it doesn ‘t count. Because Goombas have never, EVER had arms except for this one time and ‘
W h a t
HOW is Nintendo going to give Goombas arms SOMETIMES but NOT in the video games??
This has not only consumed my every waking thought today but has also upset my family, and frankly, Nintendo ‘s silence on this matter is deafening.
WHAT. IS. THE. TRUTH.