By: Funny Or Die
How To Get Out Of Jury Duty
Jury duty is such a blistering bummer
Because you ‘re busy and you ‘ve got a lot of important things to do, and suddenly the prospect of enduring a many-hour sojourn through the byzantine justice system feels like a punishment that has come at exactly the wrong time.
Why? Again, because you ‘re busy. You ‘re an important person ‘ more important, in fact, than justice. You ‘ve got to like watch the latest Game Of Thrones episode before the Internet ruins it for you, or go down a rabbit hole of weird medieval paintings depicting domestic animals, or maybe filling your time the way I do, by doing BUSINESS with DOCUMENTS and COMPUTERS.
It ‘s called COMMERCE, Dustin, and I ‘m CRUSHING IT.
Facts about jury duty that don ‘t make it any more convenient
Despite the fact that the following things are definitely true…
- It ‘s your civic duty to serve on a jury when selected ‘
- It is a privilege as an American citizen to participate in the justice system
- The Jury Act allows courts to excuse a juror from service at the time he or she is summoned on the grounds of “undue hardship or extreme inconvenience. ‘ ‘
- Jury service is a pretty good way to get out of work and see the inside of a courtroom safely and without creating a criminal record
- ALSO: Federal jurors are paid $50 a day, so let ‘s get that broccoli
… It ‘s hard to deny the fact that jury duty just really freakin ‘ sucks. ‘
So here ‘s how to get out of it, legally, in accordance with the recommendations provided by the United States Courts. (Read more about juror qualifications, exemptions, and excuses according to the ‘Administrative Office of the U.S. Courts on behalf of the Federal Judiciary.)
How to Get Out Of Jury Duty (Kind Of) The Right Way
1. Get a doctor ‘s note that says you ‘re physically or emotionally unable to serve
2. Postpone your selection by invoking a family trip, vacation, or busy period in your life
3. Fill out all forms in crayon or magic marker, and sign them with a set of stickers
4. Frequently and loudly burp, or try to burp unsuccessfully after many, many attempts
5. Ask again and again if this is your trial for what you may or may not have done
6. In a stage whisper just say words like “Objection ‘ “Your Honor ‘ “Sustained ‘ or “May The Lord Open ‘ ‘
7. Get a bout of dry heaves in the middle of any questioning
8. Admit you ‘re sexually attracted to men or women ‘ anything really ‘ in robes and/or uniforms. It ‘s just a thing.
Then, before you know it, you ‘ll have sold your soul and taken part in corrupting the fabric of American justice from the inside out.
And you might be ready for public office.
Production Company: Extraordinary Alien Films
Written & Directed by Timothy Hautekiet
Executive Producer: Chris Michael
Executive Producer: David Saint
Produced by Montserrat Gomez
Jack De Sena
Director of Photography:
Gaffer: Allan De Leon
1st AC: Paulina Zamorano
On Set Sound & Boom Operator: Nik Oldershaw
Production Designer: Amber Grace
Edited by Victor Dos Santos
Music by Alexander Arntzen
Sound Design by Dan Pugsley