By: Dashiell Driscoll
Remember the ‘Saved by the Bell ‘ when Zack Morris gave Screech an unpaid law enforcement job after forgetting his birthday? ‘
The episode begins with Screech unsuccessfully using shaving cream as a cry for attention. Zack questions his manhood. Kevin, Screech ‘s robot, reminds Zack yesterday was Screech ‘s birthday which Zack forgot. Zack offers half-assed belated wishes, clearly the result of Kevin ‘s prompting.
Zack calls a meeting to help him bounce back from forgetting his best friend ‘s birthday. They ‘re making good suggestions, when Zack announces a plan that he claims is genius. It ‘s stupid as hell. He wants to throw a surprise party. On campus. During school. In the principal ‘s office. Zack argues this unhinged trespassing will mean so much to Screech, when it ‘s all to satiate Zack ‘s raging ego.
But what about the hall monitor? Zack says, “Fuck that guy. ‘
He sends friends, one by one with a hidden recorder, to antagonize Neil the Hall Monitor into making angry remarks. Zack watches his entrapment unfold as Neil, who was minding his business, is pestered into increasingly annoyed statements caught on tape. Culminating with Zack ‘s question, “What ‘d you really think of me? ‘ to which Neil sensibly replies, “You ‘re a creep. ‘ Wow do I wish this show was about Neil.
Zack uses his illicit audio to frame Neil for smack talking Mr. Dewey behind his back. He gleefully destroys Neil ‘s relationship with his favorite teacher without hesitation. Neil gets detention and is stripped of his title. Zack nominates Screech to replace him.
Zack reminds Screech who got him this unpaid law enforcement job, and demands a lifetime hall pass. Screech obliges, because he ‘s a nice guy, even though he still feels rightfully slighted.
Screech is chasing people, almost getting beat up. Some birthday gift.
To get rid of Belding, Zack has the girls send a distress call with three voices. Now Belding thinks he has a student with dissociative identity disorder in urgent need of rescue.
Screech ‘s job is torturous hell. Before he just felt forgotten. Now he feels invisible, disrespected and physically abused. Mr. Dewey gives Screech a sorely needed pep talk to manage the new responsibility that ‘s been thrust on him in the name of Zack ‘s intrusion fiesta surprise I ‘m sorry party. Screech descends into violent science fiction delusions of grandeur as a coping mechanism.
How ‘s Zack ‘s amazing party? One balloon. Kelly and Lisa are getting snacks, Jessie ‘s getting plates. Zack doesn ‘t know what ‘s taking them so long doing all his work. He ‘s spazzing while not helping.
Slater, who isn ‘t worthless, checks on his friends. Screech says Jessie ‘s in detention. And Slater ‘s heading there, too. Because their cavorting without hall passes is only amplifying his sense of being scorned.
Despite the clock and discretion being crucial factors, Zack needs to hear the password.
In the time it took to say those slimy syllables, Screech ‘s ice cream melted.
Lisa and Kelly look for everyone while Zack sits on his ass. Screech sends them to detention, too. Because he is fed up with being treated like nothing after all he does for everyone. Screech has half of Bayside locked up. Party is cancelled.
Until Zack calls everyone in using a less than convincing fake secretary voice. He wants a pat on the back for all his efforts. The gang saw Belding parking, there ‘s no time to party! Sure there is. A really quick party.
They littered the office with tacky decorations. When Screech tries to thank them, Zack hushes him. They rush through festivities. Screech can ‘t eat cake. Can ‘t open gifts. It ‘s over. Awful party. Because this was never about Screech. It was always about Zack ‘s insatiable appetite for second-rate delinquency.
Let ‘s review.
Zack Morris forgot his best friend ‘s birthday. Instead of apologizing, hatched a breaking and entering party plot. Then used illegal hidden recordings to frame an upstanding student. Permanently damaging his relationship with a teacher. And gave Screech an unpaid law enforcement job as a gift, so Zack could get a hall pass, that was endless misery and made him feel worse. Then tricked Belding into a wild goose chase for a schizophrenic student that never existed. Then did zero while his scheme got everyone in trouble. All to throw Screech the worst party in the fucking history of parties. Because he never cared about Screech. He just wanted to pull another meaningless stunt. And maybe if he wasn ‘t doing this bullshit all the time, he could remember a damn birthday. Zack Morris is trash. ‘
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