By: Sloane Hughes

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Facebook Has A Dating App So Welcome To Hell

Matchmaking sites have been around since basically the dawn of the internet, and with the development of smart technology there ‘s no shortage of dating apps available at the tip of your fingers. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, you ‘ve got a lot to choose from. One place where I absolutely never expected (or wanted) to find a dating app, though, is Facebook. But here we are.

The full app hasn ‘t launched in the USA yet (tragic, I know) but there is a new feature called “Secret Crush ‘ that lets users anonymously ‘like ‘ people they ‘re connected to, and it sends them a notification. If they like you back, the two of you will match.

Think, for a moment, about the kind of people on your Facebook friends list.

I ‘m painting with broad strokes here but I ‘m willing to bet it consists of your extended family you don ‘t actually talk to, a handful of people you met during a semester abroad, people you were assigned group projects with in college who did zero work, a smattering of randoms who you have literally no clue how they ended up on your friends list, and every single person from your high school.

In other words, it ‘s pretty abysmal.

So when considering a dating app, why the fuck would anyone want that to be the pool of people they get to choose from.

I guess if you ‘ve always had a crush on that guy who never left your hometown and still wears his varsity letterman or that girl who hits you up every six months to get you to join her pyramid scheme then boy is this right for you. And hey, I have nothing against online dating, I ‘ve dated people from Tinder and a few from Bumble, but I can think of a lengthy list of places I would rather meet someone than my Facebook friends list.

In fact, I ‘ve jotted some of them down.

  • Next to a dumpster behind a Denny ‘s
  • A highway rest stop in Nebraska
  • A dollar store with a neon sign that ‘s been flickering since 2001
  • While being strip searched at an airport
  • A Civil War reenactment
  • The waiting room of Planned Parenthood
  • The drunk tank on a Sunday morning
  • While being filmed for a YouTube prank video
  • Any improv show
  • A high school assembly about abstinence
  • My father ‘s funeral
  • A self improvement seminar
  • Florida
  • Orientation for a cult
  • A 24-hour Walmart at 3:00am
  • A Ted Talk on the healing power of crystals
  • A Cracker Barrel that was full so they had to push our tables together
  • Cracker Barrel in general
  • Flat earther convention
  • On the set of 2 Broke Girls
  • Quarantined inside a Super 8 Motel during a meningitis outbreak
  • A screening of my college roommate ‘s claymation film
  • Dave Matthews concert
  • Renaissance fair
  • The hospital after waking up in a seedy hotel bathroom missing a kidney
  • A flash-mob where I ‘m not a part of it but they are
  • The MySpace dating app

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