By: Glenn Howerton

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Pet Peeves with Glenn Howerton

AP Bio ‘s own Glenn Howerton recently stopped by the Funny Or Die offices to give us 5 pet peeves that need to be stopped immediately. And we could not agree more. Hopefully the vile offenders in question will heed these words and we can stop all this nonsense and move on with our lives:

1. Stop popping your gum.

Let ‘s just get that one out of the way right off the bat.

2. Air freshener in your friend/driver ‘s car

Your car smells fine, stop it with the air freshener, okay? I guarantee you nobody wants it, and the kind of person who does want it, you don ‘t want them in your car because that ‘s not a good person, all right? Quit it with the fucking air freshener. What are you trying to cover up? What happened in that car? Because that ‘s all I think about, you know, really all it ‘s, it just smells like fucking everybody ‘s grandmother on earth like exploded right before they went to church. Whatever you think your car smells like, it doesn ‘t smell worse than whatever air freshener you ‘re using. Stop it with the air fresheners. You jerk.

3. A single pubic hair left on the toilet seat

All right here ‘s one for you dirty fucks out there. After you get done peeing, have a look at the toilet seat, see if you dropped a pube. Just give it a glance, you know what I mean? You don ‘t even have to reach down and pick it up, just blow it. Just give it a blow, try to blow it into the toilet and give it an extra flush, y ‘know, flush the fucker. God… why is there always pubic hair on the toilet seat? Trim it, you know what I mean? Or something, do something, just don ‘t leave it there. Ah, fuck you.

4. When someone takes up two parking spots

If you ‘re parking on the street and there ‘s a driveway behind you, you have to pull all the way to the driveway, you can ‘t park and give half a parking space behind you, you ‘re taking up two fucking parking spots, don ‘t do that, it ‘s annoying. If there was a hell, it would be filled with people who take up two parking spots. Fuck you people, you should be drowning in lakes of fire.

5. When people don ‘t use their blinker

Just use your blinker, alright? Even if you don ‘t see anybody, you don ‘t think anybody ‘s around, just use your blinker, it ‘s not that hard, just click the little thing, use your blinker, what ‘s the big deal? You worried about burning the light out? So maybe you ‘re also in hell, for sure, but maybe you ‘re not bathed in lakes of fire, maybe you ‘re just like, you know, covered in ice or something. It ‘s uncomfortable, but uh, you ‘re not eternally on fire. But still fuck you.

6. When my body tells me I didn ‘t eat good even when I know I didn ‘t eat good

All right, this little pet peeve of mine is directed towards my own body. Listen, I know Cheetos aren ‘t good for me, right? When I eat a bunch of Cheetos, I don ‘t need you to give me heartburn and tell me they ‘re not good for me, I already know, all right, so quit it with fucking heartburn, all right? I don ‘t have to bust out a packet of Rolaids every single time I decide to eat a potato chip. All right? Calm down.

I won ‘t do it tomorrow, all right? I ‘ll take a shit the next day and we ‘ll be done with it. You don ‘t have to make me feel so bad. I get it. I didn ‘t eat good. Just leave me alone, you know what I mean? Just let me not eat good every once in a while and not have to feel so bad.


Actor: Glenn Howerton
Writer: Darren Miller, Tamara Yajia, Ben Rosen, Glenn Howerton
Director/Producer: Darren Miller
Executive Producers: Chris Michael, Rowan Wheeler
Manager of Production: Charles Forsgren
Editor: Chris Greybill, Isaac Sanchez
1st AD: Jonathan Hinman
Director of Photography: Geoff George
Camera Operators: Scott Smith, Aaron Smith, Drew Dawson
1st AC: Sam Kim
Gaffer: Danny Williams
Key Grip: Nick Bodkin
Sound Mixer: Alex Dawson

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