By: Sloane Hughes
“Florida Man ‘ has captivated people around the country and dominated social media for quite a while now. There ‘s a Florida Man subreddit, twitter account, and at one point people even started using Florida Man headlines as zodiac signs. While this absolutely never gets old, it is nice to see something a little bit different in the news cycle: Florida Woman.
This story gets real weird, real quick, so buckle up.
At around 3 o ‘clock in the morning, police officers pulled over a truck for blowing through a stop sign. You ‘d expect most people who are out at that time have probably been partying, but the two people in the truck told the cops they were just chilling at an underpass, catching frogs and snakes.
Y ‘know, just regular people stuff.
So naturally the officers asked to see what exactly they had caught. I don ‘t know what Florida ‘s wildlife and game regulations are so I don ‘t even know if they asked because it was their duty or if they were just like, “shit I really wanna check these snakes out, ‘ but that ‘s neither here nor there. Upon inspection, the police officers learned that the two had a backpack full of 42 turtles.
This is where my questions start.
First of all, that ‘s so many turtles. Like what are you doing that requires 42 turtles. I mean, probably selling them (but why? Do people eat turtles?) but I hope these two had planned on starting a small vigilante crime fighting force ‘ ‘ la Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Look how FIERCE they are.
Secondly, why a backpack??? If you ‘re going out to catch 42 turtles would you not bring a cooler or something? Maybe a large bucket? I dunno. Seems like poor planning to me.
This is where things get weird(er).
The cops then asked if the couple had anything else on them they should know about, this lady pulled a foot-long alligator out of her yoga pants.
One more time.
A FOOT-LONG ALLIGATOR.
OUT OF HER YOGA PANTS.
Now, okay. Maybe if they were cargo pants I could understand it (but not actually because this is still batshit crazy) because that would at least mean there ‘s room in the pant legs to facilitate an alligator, which once again was one foot-long. But yoga pants are literally SKIN. TIGHT. So I have two more questions here.
One: how in the hell did she get that alligator in her pants, which is a question I never thought I would type out in my life, and two: HOW DID THE COPS NOT NOTICE THE ALLIGATOR IN HER YOGA PANTS. I ‘M NOT AN EXPERT BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT ‘S PRETTY HARD TO MISS.
I don ‘t know. This story has a lot of questions and no answers. But at least we know two things, the reptiles have all been released, and should you ever need to store an alligator but you don ‘t have pockets, yoga pants will work just fine.