By: Dashiell Driscoll
Remember the ‘Saved by the Bell ‘ when Zack Morris stole a dog then slaughtered countless ants?
The episode begins with Zack explaining that Bayside is in the cheerleading finals! Zack ‘s only thinking about a prank war with Valley. He declares that he intends to go down in history as “Prankster Prince ‘. A royal pain in the ass.
Zack has no prank ideas and belittles Screech and Slater during what should be a supportive brainstorm.
“We can ‘t let valley strike first ‘ Zack demands. He did. Valley must ‘ve heard Zack ‘s booming unfocused meeting, and beat them to the first punch. Zack vows retaliation, but has no clue how he ‘ll do it. Zack does not assist his fellow students, leaving them in the hands of a sword-wielding waiter.
Meanwhile, a cheerleader ‘s sick! Bayside might forfeit. Slater encourages Jessie to join! She reluctantly signs up for the good of the school.
Zack barges in on practice to brag about his pranks. They put glue on Valley ‘s track to make them run slower! Which will make them faster at competition. They pumped helium into the glee club! A prank so dastardly they do it to themselves for fun. Zack ‘s biggest prank? Stealing their banner that ‘s smaller than a beach towel.
Jessie notes the other pranks were just lame. Theft is a crime. Zack sees no issue.
Until he discovers Valley pranked them back. Real pranks, none of Zack ‘s amateur hour horse shit. Belding ‘s disappointed they are continuing this asinine tradition. He ‘s calling for a truce tomorrow with Valley ‘s principal before things get worse. Zack begs, without success, to let this pissing contest go on. You really gotta hand it to these Valley students.
Belding tells Valley ‘s principal, Elliot, this war needs to end. As Zack has escalated hijinks to crime. Elliott agrees.
Instead of keeping the truce, Zack looks like he ‘s going to god damn Vietnam. His plan? He doesn ‘t know, he just spent all his time getting dressed. Just like Vietnam. Zack has Screech wound so tight, he ‘s ready to kill someone with a brick.
The gals, reduced to Zack ‘s level by propinquity once again, see a way to channel his aimless misconduct into something productive. They ask for a spy report on Valley ‘s cheer practice as long as they ‘re over there not doing shit.
Jessie has a new cheer routine! It ‘s risky for the mascot, Screech, so they ‘ll need to every available second to practice.
Zack butts in on their dwindling rehearsal time to reveal, instead of spying, he stole Valley ‘s mascot. A living, breathing dog who needs to eat and piss and has no idea what the hell is going on.
But Zack ‘s not done. He wants to taunt Valley, while snitching on himself, with a photo. Zack grabs Belding to pose, making him an unknowingly documented accessory to his felony.
Valley is rightfully livid. They infiltrate Bayside to retrieve their pooch. Screech, thinking he ‘s talking to peers, gets them hyped up to see the new routine! These provoked rivals, with a combined age of 67, kidnap him.
Zack, who hasn ‘t been paying attention because he never does, inquires how necessary Screech is to this operation. Jessie reiterates he ‘s THE STAR. Bummer. Because Valley took him in a desperate attempt to get their dog back.
Screech ‘s friends, who aren ‘t heartless, are scared. Zack ‘s focus lies elsewhere.
Zack envisions a world where Valley wins the prank war. Oh. The humanity. Even in his fantasy, he ‘s a mark three times over.
The gang says now that a life is on the line, it ‘s time to tell Belding the truth. Zack forgot that crap existed.
Belding, for unknown reasons, is shocked Zack ‘s word means nothing. He calls Elliott, who loves a good knee slapper, but concurs this has gotten all the fucking way out of hand. Take that tiger back.
But these students have been pushed by Zack to board a runaway train for revenge. Screech ‘s tears. Will they never end?
Slater ‘s caring for the dog while Zack isn ‘t. Valley exchanges one Tiger for one dog. Not before Zack zings him with “Go walk your dog! ‘ Wow really told that guy with a dog to walk it.
Screech escaped, zero thanks to Zack. He says the Valley guy in the costume plans to throw the routine. Instead of reporting this to get Screech in there, Zack says it ‘s time for ONE MORE prank. He needs Screech ‘s access to the insect club.
Zack got bored stealing one animal from another school and stole countless animals from his own school. He dumps a jar of angry ants down the Tiger ‘s back.
Bayside is doing great. When this untrained, unprepared, unaware of what the fuck is going on poor soul flips all over the place in unbridled agony. Almost snapping his spine multiple times as he is eaten alive by ants. He collapses and crushes them under his weight.
Bayside won their ill-gotten trophy, which could ‘ve been earned sans ant genocide by Screech. They expose Valley, deflecting from Zack ‘s many crimes. Zack celebrates winning the prank war and does not acknowledgement the cheerleaders ‘ victory.
Let ‘s review.
Zack Morris planned to win a prank war with lame pranks and crime. When he was clearly outmatched, did not keep his promise for a truce and instead stole a dog. Then rubbed Valley ‘s face in it and implicated an innocent peacemaker. When this brought retaliation that got his friend kidnapped, Zack put everyone ‘s hard work in jeopardy for another prank. A prank that almost got someone killed and decimated lord knows how many ants. Zack Morris is trash.
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