By: Funny Or Die
Welcome to Alabama. Home of luscious pines, abundant natural resources and the most extreme anti-abortion law in the country.
Here you can discover a whole new universe, where any doctor who performs an abortion could face life in prison. But don ‘t worry, if they have to share a cell with a rapist, the rapist will only be there for 20 years!
We pride ourselves on being the home-state of some of the finest people in the universe!
Folks like fictional character Forest Gump, and a bunch of other white guys who frickin ‘ love pregnancies! Like our 25 male state senators who have really sexy names like Garlan Gudger, Shay Shelnut and Will Barfoot. Mmmmm nothing sexier than a Barfoot. These hunks just signed a bill that compares abortions to the holocaust and are dying to overturn Roe V Wade, but have no idea whether a woman ‘s uterus is in her butt or on her elbow.
The only woman who voted for it is the governor who signed it, Kay Ivey, who says “all lives are a gift from God, ‘ and also enforces the death penalty.
Anyways, Alabama ‘s endless vistas and soaring trees will bring you closer to God, who we ‘ve decided is a man, and king of Alabama.
We ‘re the state of fun family adventures! Like visiting an underground cave where you can release your rage by screaming at the top of your lungs into the abyss; Or puting your tired ass inside a one person canoe, where you can finally let out some farts without anyone getting on your case about how bad they smell.
Or kayak in a stream that flows into a river, that hopefully crosses state lines.
Or the most thrilling adventure of all: being forced to raise a child even if it ‘s the product of incest or rape because any doctors who perform abortions could face life in prison.
Because the only thing one of the worst-ranked school systems America needs is MORE KIDS.
Hey did you know Alabama has some of the world ‘s most delicious craft beer? And Mardis Gras started here too! Maybe you can drink and party enough for it to actually make sense when State senator Clyde Chambliss says a woman can end her pregnancy before she even knows she ‘s pregnant!
For realsies? We ‘ve been ranked #1 in America for teen birth rates before, and we want that title back.
So come on down to Alabama where the music plays on the wrong side of history; The waves wash over the sands of misogyny; And babies are delivered the old fashioned way: by stork. Or pelican, or whatever this is. Where was I? Oh: the produce is fresh from the farm; The seafood sizzles straight from the Gulf; And this dead trout has more rights than our women.
Oh and if you ‘re wondering what would happen if we took all the time, energy and resources that our lawmakers invested into fighting abortions and put it into giving the children that are already there better conditions? We don ‘t know what would happen! And we don ‘t care.
If you thought Georgia wasn ‘t bad enough. It ‘s time to make your way down to Sweet Home Alabama!
Actor: Taylor Treadwell
Writer: Darren Miller, Tamara Yajia, Sue Smith
Director/Producer/Editor: Darren Miller