By: Sloane Hughes
Some Men ‘s Group Wants A Straight Pride Parade Because This Is Hell

Guys… we need to have a talk.
A very serious and important talk. A talk about how hard it is to be straight and cisgender.
The history of plight cis and heterosexual people have endured, and are still enduring, is long and tragic. Higher percentages of both straight men and women have experience rape and domestic violence than gay men and women, and hardly a fraction of survivors sought help from police ‘ because discrimination and abuse at the hands of police officers is another very real epidemic. Heterosexuals and cis-folk are frequent targets of harassment and violence, even from those in society who are supposed to protect and serve.
They are at greater risk to become victims of homelessness, addiction, mental health issues, and suicide than other demographics. Being denied service or turned away from jobs simply because of their sexual orientation is not uncommon, and cisgender people aren ‘t allowed to serve in the military.
Same-sex marriage has only been legal since 2015, and simply being heterosexual was only decriminalized nationwide in 2003. The ongoing fight for straight and cis rights has been difficult, and although progress has been made, we have a long, long way to go until we reach equality. That ‘s why June, Straight Pride Month, is so important ‘ because heterophobia is alive and well, and cis/hets are still being oppressed.
Wait ‘ hang on, that ‘s not right… OHHH. It ‘s LGBT people! It ‘s LGBT people that are marginalized and still fighting for equality! SILLY ME.
Lemme correct myself here ‘ June is LGBT Pride Month, not STRAIGHT Pride Month. Why is that, you ask? Why don ‘t the straights get a whole month to celebrate who they are?
BECAUSE EVERY MONTH IS STRAIGHT PRIDE MONTH.
BY DEFAULT.
BECAUSE BEING STRAIGHT IS A FUCKIN ‘ BREEZE.
Ohhhhh. That makes sense.
But a group of snivelling heterosexual man-babies in Boston demanded a Straight Pride Parade anyway, because not experiencing discrimination and just having every fundamental right without needing to lift a single grubby sausage finger isn ‘t enough. No no. These swamp creatures need MORE than the everything they already fucking have. They need a PARADE.
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE JUST WANNA BE OPPRESSED SOOOOOOO BAD.
Obviously this is beyond dumb. This is trailblazing, going-where-no-troglodyte-has-gone-before-to-infinity-and-beyond dumb. But if there ‘s one good thing to come out of the absolute farce that is a Straight Pride Parade (I literally can ‘t even type that without making a face) it ‘s that we all get to tear it apart.
a straight pride parade is just the checkout line in old navy
‘ Cripp Daddy ? ‘ (@RealYungCripp) June 5, 2019
Each float in the straight pride parade is 10 guys explaining a different Coen brothers movie to you.
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) June 5, 2019
STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE?? WHAT'S NEXT STRAIGHT MARRIAGE???
‘ Matt. (@MattTheBrand) June 4, 2019
why do straight people think they need a straight pride parade
netflix is already paying $100 million to keep friends on, isn't that enough
‘ leigh hayley (@leighagenda) June 4, 2019
if the straight pride parade happens, I might actually stand a chance on Xbox Live for a couple of hours
‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 5, 2019
a straight pride parade would unironically be excellent to watch because
1- parades are gay as hell
2- there ‘s no way a parade put on by straight dudes wouldn ‘t be hilariously bad. it would reach tpusa diaper levels
pls let the boston straights do this.
‘ hasanabi (@hasanthehun) June 5, 2019
Straight guys already have a pride parade – it ‘s called NASCAR
‘ Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) June 5, 2019
floats at the straight pride parade include but are not limited to:
‘jar of mayonnaise
‘bowling ball
‘can of bud light
‘cargo shorts
‘handgun
‘camo hat
‘crock pot
‘tapout shirt
‘slim jim
‘mark wahlberg
‘dartboard
‘acoustic guitar‘ ?? ?? (@YuckyTom) June 5, 2019
legally speaking a brewery tour is a straight pride parade
‘ julia shiplett (@juliashiplett) June 5, 2019
Here's your straight pride parade https://t.co/vTWNWyzPXV
‘ Georgie? (@afterdarks) June 6, 2019
legally speaking a brewery tour is a straight pride parade
‘ julia shiplett (@juliashiplett) June 5, 2019
i'm totally fine with Boston having a Straight Pride parade, provided:
1) LGBTQIA+ people can attend & be oblivious to straightness & treat it like a random party event
2) there's a mock protester brigade with bullhorns, yelling how all straight people are going to burn in hell
‘ (@spacecrafff) June 4, 2019
Nice try everyone but the best joke about the straight pride parade is the phrase straight pride parade
‘ Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) June 5, 2019
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