By: Dashiell Driscoll
Remember the ‘Saved by the Bell ‘ when Zack Morris stabbed Screech in the back to hook up with Lisa?
The episode begins with Kelly bothering Zack with the drink he ordered. She wonders about life after graduation. Zack Hopes he ‘ll be at college, living in a sorority house, once again mistaking any building with women for a brothel.
Screech bought Lisa a gift in a final push to win her heart before school ends. Everyone politely explains at this point he should give up. Everyone but Zack, saying “If you like Lisa, go for it. ‘
The recruiter from Lisa ‘s dream fashion college is flying in. She needs to impress her. Zack suggests a fashion show. What ‘s his angle? And how will Lisa pull it off? Zack declares “it ‘ll be easy, we ‘ll help you! ‘ The Zack Morris kiss of death.
Screech gives Lisa her gift. It ‘s REAL gold. With something special inside.
Zack allocates all the sewing manual labor to the ladies. Him and Slater will find a venue for the show and handle other details (such as interviewing models). That ‘s his angle. Lisa NEEDS this to go well as her entire future hangs on this event.
Zack booked The Max to host Lisa ‘s show. You know, that place they ‘ve used for fucking EVERYTHING for years. Great work. He also booked Screech as the announcer. Lisa objects! Screech doesn ‘t know fashion! Zack reassures her saying, “I ‘m going to write everything he says. Trust me. ‘ Despite a history that begs for caution at trusting Zack Morris, she agrees.
Lisa ‘s working on designs. Like this magic eye shirt. Stare long enough and you see a douchebag.
Zack lies and says these ugly clothes are good. And not to forget him when she ‘s famous. Lisa tells him, “I could never forget you, Zack ‘. I hear that, sister.
But when Lisa goes in for a goodnight hug, Zack makes a b-line for smooch city. Then says nothing, leaving her confused when she needs to focus.
Lisa thinks the kiss was a clumsy mistake. Jessie says “premeditated ‘ is Zack ‘s middle name.
Jessie breaks the news to Kelly. Who giggles that her blonde problem is now someone else ‘s. Lisa doesn ‘t think Zack was coming on to her, overlooking his incessant “trust me ‘ language and egregious flattery.
Zack ‘s in a robe telling women to smile. This can ‘t end well. Lisa ‘s nervous at showtime! Zack says the word every woman loves to hear, “Relax. ‘ Which does not work. Zack decides now ‘s the perfect moment to talk about last night.
Zack ‘s mumbling maybe it ‘s time they take things to a handjob level, when Lisa says the kiss was nice. But more importantly, thanks for helping with the show. Zack makes a move KNOWING Screech is here and could see them. Screech sees them and is obliterated.
Zack ‘s wearing Lisa ‘s pants fortunately equipped with erection hiding fabric walls. Lisa greets the recruiter and hands it over to Screech. Who is in emotional apocalypse. Screech takes out his heartache on Lisa ‘s designs, airing his misery for everyone to hear.
Zack goes off script to yell at Screech for going off script. Screech thanks Zack for destroying his life. I hear THAT, sister.
The show ‘s ruined because Zack decided to get horny during what should ‘ve JUST been a civil conversation. But despite Zack ‘s best efforts to demolish Lisa ‘s future, her clothes won over the recruiter!
Jessie found Screech ‘s note for Lisa. It ‘s a beautiful letter of love and good luck. Zack, to make himself feel better, goes to find Screech.
He corners him. Screech asks for space, Zack does not oblige. Screech distances himself, Zack selfishly follows. Then makes the great excuse, “I didn ‘t even know what was happening ‘. He never accepts responsibility or says sorry.
Screech, shattered, wants to fight Zack after school. Knowing he ‘ll lose. Because that ‘s all Zack ‘s basic primal caveman mind understands.
Zack scoffs at Screech and enjoys that he drove him insane. Lisa ‘s trying to talk about their developing relationship. Zack makes a not so subtle pitch for boning.
Zack tries to back out of the fight that ‘s fully his fault. Screech labels him a coward. Accurate. Slater intervenes, but Screech is out of his mind. And in the kind of pain where it might be nice to get your ass beat just to feel anything. Zack defuses things by scream apologizing. Scream apologizing is not a thing.
Screech exposes Zack for knowingly picking Lisa of all girls. Then exposes one of his stupid titties.
Zack says if he knew it would bother him he won ‘t go out with her. A conclusion he could ‘ve come to earlier. Lisa does what she should ‘ve done years ago. She stops being mean and gets honest. They ‘ll never be an item. Plus her and Zack like each other.
Screech puts his anguish aside to be the bigger man and gives their new romance his blessing. EXCEPT THAT ‘S THE LAST WE HEAR OR SEE OF ZACK AND LISA DATING. EVER. SERIOUSLY. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Let ‘s review.
Zack Morris saw his best friend hopelessly in love for years. Instead of telling him to move on, told him to keep going. Then offered to help with Lisa ‘s show to prey on models. When there were no models, he preyed on Lisa. Then sexually targeted her at her most vulnerable and broke his buddy ‘s heart into a million pieces. With no regard for how this might impact the show and Lisa ‘s chances at college. Instead of apologizing, made non-excuses, that pushed Screech deeper into insanity. Then used Lisa to force Screech into accepting their relationship that he had no intention of seriously pursuing. So all Screech ‘s pain was for nothing. Zack Morris is trash.
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