By: Dashiell Driscoll
Remember the ‘Full House ‘ when Aunt Becky ‘s kids cheated their way into school?
The episode begins and Aunt Becky has arranged a playdate for the twins and some bozo named Cooper. The kiddos stack while the moms talk sweaters.
Cooper ‘s dad says it ‘s hard finding friends for Coop because he ‘s SO smart. Jessie tries to keep up with this tiny brain brag sesh. But while Nikki and Alex can barely mumble, Coop speaks in full sentences and even corrects Jessie ‘s grammar. Cooper ‘s ready to get smacked at an 8th grade level.
Coop ‘s ‘rents have been beating him with flashcards to get him into Bouton Hall, the Bay Area ‘s most prestigious private pre-school. Aunt Becky and Jessie have been less pro-active with their morons. Cooper ‘s parents claim that the most important choice in a child ‘s development is to pick the right pre-school. I see why Cooper says dumb shit in other peoples ‘ homes.
They warn if these kids aren ‘t on the fast track now, they ‘ll wind up stupid failures sucking dick in alleys to pay for sweaters.
Danny ‘s training for the hypebeast Olympics. Kimmy got her license! She wants to take the gals for a ride in her brother ‘s car “The Wild Thing. ‘ Danny says “I have a rule, no daughter ‘s of mine are getting inside a vehicle called The Wild Thing ‘. Weirdly specific rule, but its day has come.
Jessie and Aunt Becky are overwhelmed by Bouton ‘s application. And not just because they have to spell “Katsopolis. ‘ To make matters worse, Nikki and Alex are dumb. Joey comes in because he has no job.
Jesse laments his boys are not Bouton bound! Joey has an idea! Lie your sack off on that app. A dad who cares would give his kids an edge. And that edge is lying both your nuts off. Jesse declares, “if I don ‘t lie for ’em who will? ‘ I got 500 grand that says Aunt Becky could be persuaded.
Danny ‘s back from a road test with Kimmy. Flawless. No notes. He gives his blessing to ride that wild thing.
Bouton Hall called! The application was UN-BELIEVABLE! Impossible to believe. They want the boys to interview this afternoon! Becky decides to give them both a bath because “they look smarter when they ‘re clean ‘. Might wanna scrub those boneheads twice, Aunt Becks.
Jessie wanted to impress Bouton Hall, so he wore his fanciest chain and taco meat shirt. He confesses he made some itty bitty lies on the application, only to be greeted as an Ambassador…. Itty witty bitty lies indeed. But worse than that is this school spies on applicants through two way glass? Psycho shit.
They get a front row seat to Jessie jostling his kids ‘ tiny brains and cleaning his nasty teeth.
She reveals they ‘ve been observing as part of their super normal interview process. Then talks more about that fast track nonsense. Jessie and Becky will need to keep teaching at home to reap this school ‘s benefits. Becky says “our children love to reap ‘. They love to reap what Aunt Becky sows.
Jessie tries to bounce before the bi-lingual intelligence test when Aunt Becky comes clean. Jessie lied. But smart interview lady deduced that. And doesn ‘t care! It shows they want what ‘s best for their kids? Huh. Ok.
Meanwhile, the gals are driving Wild Thing. Listening to the song Wild Thing. A bit on the nose. Who cares. They spot some nerds and goof on them by running around their car. But lock themselves out. Whoops who cares.
Danny pulls up thanks to TV dad magic. He ‘s disappointed they had fun and sends them walking all the way home from what appears to be the Hollywood Hills.
Jessie is yelling at his kids to learn while they wait to hear from Bouton. Aunt Becky says they ‘re not having fun! Back off the learning and let them be kids. Michelle comes in on her Yee Haw shit with a letter. The twins got ins! And we never see Cooper ever again. He cracked under his parents ‘ unreasonable pressures and probably fucking killed himself under a pile of sweaters.
So what did we learn today?
Private pre-schools just want money. There ‘s no such thing as a smart baby, especially when the brains of one idiot get distributed between two bodies. And if you pick having fun over educating your child, it ‘s OK to cheat their dumb ass into a privileged school because you want what ‘s best for them! Just ask Aunt Becky. And only a dope would goof on Bay Area nerds in the 90 ‘s, because those dorks are billionaires now. See you next time on A Very Special Episode. ‘
Check out episodes of ‘Full House ‘ on Hulu here
Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi