Reason Why I ‘m Screaming At My TV: A 90 Day Fianc ‘ Recap

You ‘re confused and I ‘m sorry. It was brought to my attention this week that newcomers to 90 Day may be unsure of where to begin. I feel guilty, apologize, and can assure you that this WILL keep me up at night.

It ‘s understandable: TLC is pushing 90 Day franchises down our throats so hard that we ‘re practically gagging. And I don ‘t mean in a good way.

Here are all the iterations.

• 90 Day Fianc ‘: The Other Way – Airing now – If you ‘re new, START HERE! I can ‘t emphasize it enough. These are pure little virgin couples with squeaky clean slates. I have no reason to hate any of them yet. Well, except Paul, who ‘s been on multiple seasons before and is an idiot. ‘
• 90 Day Fianc ‘: Happily Ever After? – Airing now – This franchise follows couples after they ‘ve gotten married. It ‘s usually boring, unless the couple is toxic, and then you feel gross for watching. I ‘m not following because I ‘ve reached a saturation point with Colt, Larissa, and the rest of those bottom feeders. ‘
• 90 Day Fianc ‘: Pillow Talk – Airing Now – I saw a commercial for this while I was lasering my face (I DIY everything). It ‘s basically like The People ‘s Couch (the ill-fated Bravo show) but with random 90 Day Fianc ‘ cast members. It looks dumb, but that ‘s never stopped me in the past, and it shouldn ‘t stop you, either.
• 90 Days To Wed – Not currently airing – The show that started it all. The concept is simple: foreigners arrive in America to meet their betrothed and have 90 days to get married. ‘
• 90 Day Fianc ‘: Before the 90 Days – Not currently airing – This series follows couples as they obtain their visas before coming to America to meet their betrothed. About a year ago, there was a pretty explosive Before the 90 Days cast, many of whom violated their NDAs on Instagram. That time in my life revealed to me that it ‘s absolutely essential to have a fourth wall between reality TV cast members and the world at large. And also that I ‘ll sacrifice my last brain cells for a two-hour podcast that recaps a two-hour reality show. Maybe it ‘s time to reevaluate my life choices. Eh.
• 90 Day Fianc ‘: What Now? – Not currently airing- These are one-off specials about couples who ‘ve previously appeared on the show. They ‘re ‘ fine.

If we ‘ve learned anything from Dov Charney and American Apparel, it ‘s that rapid expansion makes people lose interest. At one point in the early aughts, New Yorkers were clamoring for gold lame leggings. Five years later, there was an American Apparel on every corner, Dov Charney was an accused rapist, and his company went under. TLC: Don ‘t be Dov Charney.

To clarify, I ‘m ONLY following 90 Day Fianc ‘: The Other Way right now. It airs on Monday nights at 9pm and it ‘s beautiful. Speaking of which, another great episode this week. ‘

Hello Daddy

Tiffany and Daniel arrive in South Africa, where Ronald ‘s mom meets them at the airport. Ronald ‘s in rehab, or a “wellness center ‘ as they refer to it. Ronald ‘s mom gives Daniel a stuffed toy shark, which is appropriate because this family is getting thrown to the sharks. ‘

The next day, they drive to the rehab to pick up Ronald. Daniel continues to melt my cold heart. As they pass a row of cows, he says, “Africa is so random, ‘ which somehow very insightful.

Apparently, Ronald has been in rehab for six months, which is a LONG TIME. Only the real baddies get six months ‘most people only go for 90 days. Ronald and Tiffany talk to a counselor while Daniel chases chickens. I am skeptical. ‘

He ‘s Alone in Ecuador

Corey and Evelin are tough to watch. She ‘s fleecing him and ya hate to see it! He quit his job, sold his car, and wants reassurance from his family that spending $40K on an Ecuadorian woman who hates him was a good idea. Guess what: it wasn ‘t! ‘

He says, “I have this feeling inside me telling me that it ‘s the worst thing I can be doing. ‘ MAYBE YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THAT! I truly can ‘t believe how stupid people are sometimes. ‘

A tear wells in his eye as he says goodbye to his small cabin on the family compound. (To paint a picture: this place is serving linoleum flooring, ‘ blue curtains, and dark wood paneling realness.) Coming off the plane in Ecuador, we see truly heartbreaking shots as he exits into the arms of ‘ no one. Evelin didn ‘t bother to meet him at the airport. Listen, I know that going to the airport is literally one of the most annoying things you can do for someone (second only to helping them move), but come on, lady! He moved to your country.

Now I Mapquested (does that term make me old? such a great verb) the distance between Evelin ‘s home in Engabao, Ecuador to the airport in Ecuador. It ‘s 116km, which is about a two-hour drive. Side note: do you think Americans aren ‘t smart enough for the metric system and that ‘s why we don ‘t use it?

Here ‘s another reason I ‘m shouting at my television. She doesn ‘t pick him up because she thinks he ‘s a wuss who ‘s too scared to take a bus ride by himself, so she ‘s trying to force him to toughen up. Guess what: he is a wuss! And guess what else: that ‘s totally fine!!! Ladies, we have to get rid of the expectation that our men need to be strong and tough because it prevents them from being vulnerable. We need them to be more vulnerable so that we can control them. jkjk. Now, obviously you don ‘t want a sheltered idiot who ‘s so scared that he buys a bullet-proof diaper bag, but you have to create a safe space for men to emote.

Not Sari

Jenny and Sumit look so happy in their testimonial, both grinning from ear to ear. Jenny says they got to be together all night and both woke up smiling, which means they totally FUCKED. Good job, guys! You ‘re awesome. ‘

Then, they go sari shopping. Sumit ‘s wants Jenny to assimilate to Indian life, but idk. You can put a sari on her but she ‘s still going to be a blonde-haired white lady dating an Indian man 30 years her junior. Sorry not sorry.

In the sari shop, we see a dark side of Sumit. He ‘s very opinionated about what she should wear. No me gusta and no Jenny gusta. I would like to give to give Sumit the benefit of the doubt, however, because it kind of seemed like this was invented by the producers to cause drama. I don ‘t trust these fucking producers.

The Little Hellion

It ‘s a special week because TLC has given us a new couple! Jihoon & Deaven. He ‘s in South Korea, she ‘s in Salt Lake City, Utah… Perfect. I ‘m VERY excited! ‘

Jihoon is a used phone salesman who lives with his parents and dog named Bbakki. I like that. I respect the use of excessive consonants. Deavan ‘lives with her parents and daughter named ‘ wait for it ‘ Drusilla. UM, WHAT?!! I had to turn on the closed captions and rewind my DVR three times to fully absorb that insane group of letters. Drusilla is no Bbakki.

Drusilla is also a hellion. And who can blame her?! She has a villain ‘s name! ‘

Deavan has no idea how to cut a cucumber, which is disturbing because that ‘s one of the easiest pieces of produce to prepare. Just slice!

Deavan got pregnant the first night she and Jihoon were together. Oops. Now they ‘re obligated to get married and neither Jihoon nor his family are excited about it. And there ‘s our storyline, folks!

The trailer for next week ‘s episode shows the Little Hellion having a temper tantrum on the baggage carousel, This Idiot running into the woods (again), and Evelin telling to Corey to go home. This series is fucking gold.