By: Dashiell Driscoll
Remember the ‘Full House ‘ when D.J. got busted not drinking beer?
The episode begins with the fellas serenading Michelle with Baby Beluga. Woof.
DJ and Kimmy wisely rush past that nightmare. They ‘re busy planning the school dance. They booked a shitty band. Kimmy tells DJ to invite Kevin to this dance they ‘re ruining!
But since DJ is a coward, Stephanie calls for her. Kevin says yes with no delay, because he ‘s a horny 13-year-old and DJ has a pulse.
Michelle can ‘t stop listening to Baby Beluga. Who cares.
DJ ‘s ready to dance in her finest crime fighting attire. Kimmy breaks the news that the band they booked bailed. DJ begs Jessie to fill in, assuring him she can get a killer backup band. He agrees before her fashion sense rubs off on him.
Enter Kevin! Who shops at the same ugly clothes store Kimmy and DJ frequent.
This dance sucks. There ‘s no music to dance to as Jessie has no band. DJ beckons her stud, but Kevin ‘s parched. His pals say he ‘s tense! They know just the thing to help him unwind. Yo, are they gonna go jack Kevin off?
Enter Jessie ‘s band! This dance is cursed. Jessie makes a big stink. His ego to talent and success ratio is staggering. His performance clears the dance floor faster than taco farts. DJ, thank GOD, found a tape deck to play music. Mind-blowing that wasn ‘t the plan all along.
But where ‘s Kevin? These visionaries recognized that party tongued ass, so they started a much better party. With beer! Very cool. Kevin offers his lady a sip, but she ‘s no longer thirsty. She lambastes them. And gets a one way ticket to splash city. Killer party.
Kevin defends her honor and fetches some paper towels. DJ tells them to scram, then mocks them with their beer like it ‘ll teach them a lesson. DJ performs a no-look behind the back self-snitch while doing nothing wrong.
She tries to explain herself by snitching on those guys, but Jessie doesn ‘t buy it as she smells like Nick Nolte ‘s slippers. Time to go. If he really wanted to punish her, he ‘d make her stay at that dance.
Jessie rats on DJ who once again rats on the fellas and swears she ‘s not a liar! Jesse confronts her about being less than truthful about his amazing back up band. What now, you lying liar?! Danny sends her smelly ass upstairs.
DJ ‘s pissed. She ‘s in trouble for a crime she didn ‘t commit. That ‘s not supposed to happen to white ladies in America! It sucks almost as bad as that dance.
She cries like a baby. Wah wah. You know, times like this an ice cold brewski might be the ticket. DJ vows she ‘ll be vindicated.
Meanwhile, the men try to crack the case of why a teen would try beer. Peer pressure? Society? It ‘s fun and delicious?
Stephanie reports DJ ‘s innocent! But she ‘s also guilty of sneaking out just now to prove her innocence. Kimmy says the fellas got caught. They ‘re suspended.
DJ demands Kevin restores her reputation as boring. Then interrogates him about that beer. Kevin did it to loosen up! DJ should try it sometime.
Kevin claims he is really sorry, but Deej isn ‘t great at accepting apologies. Kevin tells Danny and Jessie that DJ was telling the truth. Jesse also apologizes to DJ, but her only response is that her uncle really hurt her feelings. DJ needs some apology acceptance training.
Jessie only got angry because he ‘s seen countless people ruin their entire lives with one beer. He warns that soon she ‘ll have to make more decisions about drinking, and drugs, and sex. Hopefully this will be a learning experience to do the opposite next time one of those radical opportunities arises.
So what did we learn today?
If you plan the worst school dance of all time, don ‘t be surprised when kids sneak off to get drunk. And you might as well drink with them, because you ‘re going to get in trouble regardless. But all you need to do to get out of trouble is shift the blame on others and cry like a baby. Then get your boyfriend to take the heat. And when someone apologizes, use that moment to make them feel worse. See you next time on A Very Special Episode. ‘ ‘
Check out episodes of ‘Full House ‘ on Hulu here
Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi