Today ‘s Extremely Accurate Cancer And Leo Horoscopes

Providing accurate horoscopes can be tricky, that ‘s why we here at Funny Or Die made a special pact with the moon to get the inside scoop on what ‘s coming down the astrological pipes this week for you. Trust us, it ‘s science.

C A N C E R

the crabby boys! June 21 – July 22

It ‘s time to try out new things. You ‘ve been stuck doing the same activities and hanging out with the same group of people for way too long. Tell your friends to go fuck themselves immediately and hire a New Orleans style marching band to follow you around. You ‘ll thank me for this later. ‘

There ‘s going to be a dark cloud over you, not a figurative one. A literal cloud. Like Eeyore. You ‘re going to be rained on for like 3 days and it ‘s going to weird everyone out

L E O

rawr baby you ‘re a lion. July 23 – August 23

You ‘re going to be very in-tune with the animal kingdom this month, Leo. Take advantage of it! Capture and caress every pigeon you meet. Nuzzle the pigeons. Nuzzle them ‘

You ‘ll be queen, for a time. Then comes another, younger, more beautiful, to cast you down and take all you hold dear.