By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The ‘Full House ‘ When Urkel Taught Steph Glasses Positivity

Stephanie has a note from school. It says she can ‘t see for shit and needs glasses yesterday. She denies these baseless allegations by jamming her face an inch from the note to read it. Girl, it is time to check those peepers!

(What if I need glasses. I ‘m gonna look like a geek?) Don ‘t worry, Steph. That ship already set sail when you put on your dog sweater.

Danny ‘s strumming a lil ‘ Widower Blues when DJ and Julie bust in. Julie ‘s cousin Steve is in town and won ‘t stop pestering them. They were never here. Deuces.

(How annoying could one kid be?) Annoying enough for two TV shows on the same Friday night.

When worlds collide

It ‘s Steve motherfucking Urkel. And the studio audience goes nuts like he ‘s the Rolling Stones or whatever. Urk Man invites himself in. Does the Urkel thing. Asking for cheese. Good stuff.

Jessie teaches him how to strut. Super normal thing to do with a child you just met. Wait, what the fuck is this mess supposed to be about again?

(here ‘s another fun way to kill time!) The thesis of this shoehorned episode. Steve begins telling, in graphic detail, the tale of his messy birth. They send him off before he elaborates further on how he tore his mother ‘s vagina.

Stephanie got glasses. But doesn ‘t want to look like a dork, so Jessie models his glasses and eases none of her concerns

Come on! Let ‘s see them! Can ‘t be that ba- GOD DAMN! GOD DAMN THEM SOME UGLY GLASSES. They lie and say she looks smart. But she sees right through that shit. Doesn ‘t even need her coke bottle lenses.

Stephanie confides in a golden retriever, because her life is a marathon of misery. She looks in the mirror and has a bad acid trip. It ‘s San Francisco. They put the drugs right in the tap water.

For the first time, I can truly see…

The gals try to ditch Urkel, but he ‘s an un-ditchable nuisance. Human herpes.

(Why do you talk like Mikcey Mouse? That ‘s because I ‘m from Chicago.) Suddenly the gun violence statistics makes sense.

Stephanie sulks in. She doesn ‘t wanna be rude, but y ‘all need to get the fuck out. It ‘s mopey solo time.

Steve ushers them away then corners Steph and demands to know her problemo. But she doesn ‘t even know Steve! So he once again begins telling his disgusting miracle of child birth story. He ‘s always got it loaded and ready to go.

Stephanie mentions her new glasses. Steve welcomes her to the spectacles society. And demonstrates how his frames turn him into a stud. Despite the fact that he has a Stephan Urquell character arch that proves the opposite two years from now. Who cares.

Steph doesn ‘t want to get made fun of! Steve says make them laugh with you, not at you. It ‘s reading time and Steph has her face all up on her literature. Teacher tells her to throw them glass things on pronto.

And boy oh boy this redhead kid is chomping at the bit to bully her as soon as he hears glasses. Stephanie remembers Steve ‘s sage advice. (make them laugh with you so they don ‘t laugh…) and does some prop comedy.

The gag of the century

This should get her bullied worse but these kids are dumb and like her lame schtick. The teacher puts an end to this lazy routine that is also bad.

Joey finds Steph writing “I will not disrupt class ‘ a bunch as a punishment. Great school. She confesses she borrowed Joey ‘s funny glasses and now they ‘re in her teacher ‘s desk where they can ‘t hurt any more audiences. (“You know with or without glasses, you ‘re the most beautiful third grader I know ‘) How many beautiful third graders you know, Joey? He has her take another look in the mirror, only this time not tripping balls.

See? Nobody cares. Not even Stephanie. “You know I think you look pretty mature ‘ Joey, how many third graders are you talking to like this.

So what did we learn today?

If a strange kid from another TV show waltzes into your home talking about cheese, teach him how to strut then point him towards your daughter. But don ‘t take his advice, because it will lead you down the hopeless road of prop comedy. A comedy so un-funny, it doesn ‘t even belong on Full House. And nobody cares about your glasses. Nobody cares about you. You could drop dead today, and the world will keep spinning. So remember that if you ever feel down. See you next time on A Very Special Episode.

Need a proper fix of Blossom? Watch the show now on Amazon here.

Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi

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