By: Sloane Hughes
‘Raid Area 51 ‘ Is The Festival We All Need And Deserve
Considering it ‘s been plastered all over social media, in local news, and covered by the nation ‘s top, hard-hitting journalists, I ‘m sure that by now you ‘re all aware of the highly anticipated event going down on September 20th during which all the attendees are going to bust into Area 51 to “see them aliens ‘. What started as a comical meetup with open-invites quickly turned into the event of the year, and now, much like a shoddily put together college party, after weeks with no updates we ‘ve all now finally received word from the guy who first launched the whole thing. And, again much like a college party, he was taken aback by how quickly it spread and how many people are going to show up, and has decided to change the course of the soir ‘e.
So instead of storming the gates of Area 51 (are there gates? I don ‘t know) everyone who ‘s RSVP ‘d can now hopefully look forward to a bumpin ‘ festival, and although it ‘s in the beginning stages of planning, the chances of this happening are pretty good considering the event already has 1.4 million people signed up to go. And I ‘m not complaining, I ‘m really not, but I ‘m just wondering…
Why can ‘t we do both????
Why can ‘t we kick down the fences of Area 51 (again, I don ‘t know if there are actually fences or what the perimeter looks like) under the protection of, Coca-Cola or some other mega corporation who will for sure want to sponsor this to-be festival, because as the event says, “they can ‘t stop all of us ‘, but they for sure can ‘t stop the power of corporate America. And after we all take a tour of the facilities and grab our complimentary hoverboards from wherever the government is hiding all that cool shit, why don ‘t we bring the aliens to an insanely cool outdoor festival? What ‘s a better way to welcome extraterrestrials to Earth than by opening their airlocked cells, handing them a shitty lite beer that ‘s kind of warm and saying, “hey dude wanna go get a burrito and see if we can catch the last half of Kid Cudi ‘s set on the mainstage? ‘