By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The ‘Full House ‘ When Cigarettes Were Cool And Steph Was A Loser

Steph is having a Junior High clothes crisis! It ‘s so bad she ‘s consulting that tie for fashion advice. TWO weeks into 6th grade Steph has ZERO friends. But I ‘m sure this outfit will turn things around. (Just be cool, and don ‘t let ’em smell your fear.) Don ‘t shit your pants. Always great advice.

Stephanie struggles to dry her hands, forgetting she ‘s wearing a king sized bed sheet. She remedies the situation by dragging toilet paper across the nasty floor. A cool 7th grader named Mickey bathroom be-friends her. Steph offers a wet handshake. Run, Mickey. It ‘ll only get worse.

Joey and Jessie have a teen advice segment on their radio show. Who the fuck cares.

Steph brings home a friend and Danny is elated. Until. (Can I get you anything…note gym..write own) Dad alarms going off. (She showed me how to get free donuts…) DAD ALARMS INTENSIFYING.

Can she stay for dinner? Sure! (My turn me and janet. Sister? Mother) DAD ALARMS: CODE RED.

(Isn ‘t she cool, danny) DAD ALARMS THROUGH THE GOD DAMN ROOF. He says Mickey seems dangerous. A synonym for cool. Stephanie gets aggro defensive about this person she met three seconds ago and yells Danny doesn ‘t know her! Something they have in common.

Mickey ‘s helping Steph with some 19 y/o single mother makeup when Kelly, Gia, and Lisa stroll in. Steph says some dorky awkward loser shit nobody likes. Classic Steph.

They start talking about how they want to bang the math teacher (show clip) and offer Steph a smoke. Oh snap. HAAAAH! She politely declines with some dorky awkward loser shit nobody likes. Claaaasic Steph. Mickey vouches Steph is solid. Gia says so hang with her. But Mickey is more addicted to smooth menthol flavor than Stephanie at this particular juncture.

Steph stomps in and hits friend rock bottom with these tots playing a dumb card game they ‘re making up as they go. CHILL! Dad ‘s here! (The airport just called they complained about the noise) Woof.

Where ‘s Mickey? Danny wanted to drug test her hair when she wasn ‘t looking. What ‘s with all the questions? Steph ‘s out of here! OK, now she ‘s at friend rock bottom. She asks the twins if this make her look cool. It doesn ‘t. Nothing could.

Aunt Becky returns and Steph wafts away imaginary smoke. She ‘s a moron. Aunt Becks tries to help by telling Steph about her childhood, but only makes her feel worse because she ‘s always hot therefore life has been awesome.

The teen advice show gets a call from “Olga. ‘ It ‘s Steph doing a bad impression of a foreign student being peer pressured. (uh how you say cigareettes). They take turns telling her smoking sucks, and is gross, and welcome to America. Great radio show.

Danny recognized Olga ‘s voice. He ‘s proud Steph bravely chose not being cool, something she was previously doing involuntarily. (But why does she have to smoke?) It makes you look cool and it ‘s something to do with your hands. Next question. Steph doesn ‘t know what to do when she sees Mickey. Avoid eye contact? Invite her to the Netflix spinoff for an episode about meth? (hang in there, believe it or not it gets easier) A LIE FOR ANYONE WHO HAS EVER HUNG IN THERE.

Mickey and the gals find Steph in the crapper. Gia talks smack. Steph talks it back. (oh you quit. Guess I ‘m a big fan of breathing. HAHA.) Mickey must ‘ve blazed one before home room, because that wasn ‘t funny. Gia dips, but Mickey ‘s staying behind with her friend.

And we do see Mickey again, because she gave up smoking and replaced it with talking about banging the math teacher. (show clip)

So what did we learn today?

Anyone your dorky dad doesn ‘t like is 100% confirmed cool. And cigarettes are gross and bad, but also cool plus something to do with your hands. And you don ‘t need to smoke to have friends, but if you NEED friends who DON ‘T smoke, you ‘ll wind up hanging with Stephanies. See you next time on A Very Special Episode.

Check out episodes of ‘Full House ‘ on Hulu ‘here

Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi

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