By: Sloane Hughes
Diversity is important in all things, and whether it ‘s through videos, tweets, articles, or tiny scrolls carried by ravens, (which hasn ‘t gone so well, they never come back. Plus I ‘m pretty sure they ‘re just crows from the parking lot) we here at Funny Or Die try to cover a healthy variety of topics. If I ‘m being honest though, I ‘ve definitely been guilty of writing about the same thing multiple times. I can ‘t help it! There are some things that are just way too much of a goldmine to walk away from, like Trump, and there are some things that I feel too passionately about to only write about once, like Crocs.
Crocs are everything that is wrong with this country.
Crocs have the silhouette of a sperm whale carved out of Swiss cheese, the same design complexity as a 1970 ‘s Barbie shoe, are essentially made out of dense packing peanuts, and come in a selection of colors inspired by the paint chips at Home Depot that make you go, “who the fuck is painting their kitchen this color? ‘ Crocs are a symbol of humanity ‘s weakness. Remember when they first emerged, and everyone collectively agreed that they suck? Everyone. We all agreed on this. But we have allowed them to not only remain in our society, but to thrive. They stayed with us like a fat house fly we were too lazy to swat at, and now there are Crocs for every occasion. Sports Crocs, formal Crocs, Crocs with feathers, platform Crocs, wedding Crocs, goth Crocs, Crocs without holes, which are somehow worse. They have won.
And now they ‘re evolving.
Behold, Crocs gloves.
Look what you ‘ve done.
Thanks to society ‘s extremely low bar and the 3D printing efforts of Unnecessary Inventions, you can now wear Crocs on your hands. You can now fully give in and let Crocs consume even more of your being with these foam hand prisons, featuring Crocs signature handles which make even less sense on gloves. Supposedly they ‘re good for gardening. One day I ‘ll test that out and use Crocs gloves to dig my own grave by hand and bury myself alive out back so that I may finally be free of this hell.