By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The ‘7th Heaven ‘ With The Pregnant Teen Serial Carjacker

Simon and Lucy are taking the bus to school. Perhaps because Mary got her permit and they ‘re terrified to drive with her? ‘

The cool bus kids make Simon sit with geeks. The driver hates him. Makes sense. Lucy ‘s getting hit on by a dweeb blatantly disrespecting his girlfriend, Sheila. ‘

Papa Camden consoles Elizabeth, a grieving divorced mom, whose son died years ago. How to move on? Treat yo ‘ self! (go get a massage, salon, housekeeper) Feel better by making someone do manual labor for you. Not the worst plan. Also just hope shit works out. (if that ‘s what you think we should do. Yeah I do. I don ‘t know) The worst plan. ‘

Matt spies a lady wearing overalls for two with car trouble. Despite knowing jack about cars, he investigates. The pregnant teen steels his wheels and peels out. Straight savage. ‘

Meanwhile, Simon brokers a deal where the nerds help the cools with homework. Whatever. And Sheila ‘s gonna cut a bitch for talking to her man. ‘

One time questions Matt, who reports a lady with a baby caught him slipping in the sunshine. But they ‘re not buying it as the car he ‘s with is stolen. Let ‘s hope she loves that kid as much as car theft. ‘

Suzy Smiles enters the salon stoked. (happy to be alive!) Elizabeth learns three years ago she got a heart transplant and will not shut the fuck up about it. ‘

Mama Camden waves to the children then flexes that she bangs. ‘

Simon ‘s the mayor of the bus now. Driver still hates him. Makes sense. Sheila ‘s about to put hands on Lucy ‘s throat to remind to remind her where her air comes from. ‘

Elizabeth tells Eric about the jubilant woman with the heart of a corpse. She donated her son ‘s organs. Maybe that talker has his ticker! ‘

Where the shit is Matt? There the shit is Matt. (Until we can find … grand theft auto) A sentence cops say all the time. ‘

Eric calls heart lady to his Jesus cubicle. But the donor wasn ‘t Elizabeth ‘s son. Who cares. ‘

Sheila challenges Lucy to a fight backed by her juvie all-star posse. ‘

Officer Haircut found Matt ‘s whip. Turns out Theresa the future mom is on the run from her parents and stole their car. ‘

Lucy tattles on Sheila. But Mary ‘s still hurt she picked the bus over her driving. Lucy explains they ‘re busing because they ‘re ashamed of their preggo mom. Now everyone knows Reverend ‘

Camden ‘s painting her church walls raw with holy water. Something already evident as there ‘s 19 fucking kids in that family. ‘

Simon learns the bus geeks are actually dumb. And the peers they helped are failing. Whatever. ‘

Annie ‘s body spasms are interrupted when Eric brings in Theresa the thief. He invited her parents over who don ‘t know she ‘s pregnant. ‘

Theresa apologizes then explains why she ran. (my parents told me … don ‘t bother coming home) This should go well. ‘

Lucy, to avoid a beating, runs to the family wagon. Simon does the same. The driver still hates him. Makes sense. These kids are too soft for the school bus. Pathetic. ‘

Back home: (where ‘s the pregnant? …respect) Yeah, Ruthie. Stole Matt ‘s Camaro. It ‘s not a car, it ‘s a lifestyle. ‘

Theresa ‘s parents see her belly and shame the ever loving shit out of her in these strangers ‘ home. They really go to town. So mean to their child with child. ‘

Annie and Eric are like, guys, please stop bullying your pregnant kid where we play Scategories. Theresa sobs though a sorry they don ‘t accept. They disown her. Then exit talking smack about how much dirty sex must go on in this house to produce all these kids. ‘

Mary explains don ‘t be ashamed of mom and dad boning because you ‘ll be as bad as those goobers. Thank heavens they were there to teach them a lesson that will cost Theresa a lifetime of therapy. ‘

Eric reveals her son wasn ‘t the donor. But he has an idea that ‘s crazy enough to work. ‘

Everyone ‘s friends now! And Theresa lives with Elizabeth? K. He brings in a parade of organ recipients who are using her dead son ‘s parts to live their pointless lives. If she knew his body would do much good, she ‘d have killed him herself! ‘

So what did we learn today? ‘

Never turn your back on a pregnant lady. They will steal your car. And sex sometimes leads to kids. Bummer. But don ‘t make people feel bad about it, they ‘re stupid kids will do that job for you. And the key to getting over your dead son is a manicure, a bestie, plus two house guests who won ‘t pay rent. And Sheila will cut you if you ever talk to her man. See you next time on A Very Special Episode. ‘

Need a proper fix of 7th Heaven? Watch the show now on Amazon or Hulu.

Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi

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