By: Sue Smith
Heyoo! How ‘s everyone doing? I made the mistake of eating seafood at the county fair so, in the words of Dorinda Medley, I ‘m not well, bitch. ‘
Welcome to my safe, warm, space that totally free from the horrors of our nation. We ‘re just here to watch suckers awkwardly date people in other countries.
We all know that 90 Day The Other Way was super boring last week so, as punishment, we ‘re talking about the new season of Before the 90 Days. Do better, TLC!
I love a first episode. In terms of storytelling and narrative, you can ‘t get much better than the first episode of a reality show. I ‘m in it for the art. ‘
If you ‘re unfamiliar, the way that Before The 90 Days usually works is that it follows couples who ‘ve never met each other in person before. Thus, we aren ‘t sure if they are engaged or get their fianc ‘ visas. Storylines for days!
Rebecca Is Maybe Getting Catfished
Rebecca is ten years older than me and has grandchildren. The math on that situation is terrifying.
Rebecca ‘s a private investigator with a boyfriend in Tunisia. Call the cops because this PI is getting catfished! She met her dude, Zied, using Facebook ‘s People You May Know feature. Idk about you, but that has never suggested anyone in a foreign country to me. Just mediocre improvisers I knew ten years ago.
Listen, we ‘ve never had luck with Tunisians on this show. You ‘ll remember Mohammad Jbali, who married Danielle in Ohio, and was one of the most legendary scammers this show has ever seen. There ‘s also Aladdin, over on 90 Day the Other Way. Jury ‘s still out on that guy.
By now, you ‘ll note that a common trope in 90 Day is the skeptical friend. I love a skeptical friend. We stan, as the kids say. In Rebecca ‘s case, the skeptic is her daughter, who points out that she is, in fact, still married to her last foreign husband. Yikes. ‘
That brings us to another 90 Day trope: the secret. Rebecca hasn ‘t told Zied she ‘s still married and oh baby! That ‘s a storyline. ‘
I don ‘t have an opinion on their union just yet, but I do love Rebecca ‘s tattoos. TLC is setting her up to be the star of the show and I am here for it. ‘
Side note: I implore you to watch Aaron Carter ‘s insta story for a quick mo. It ‘s bonkers.
Caesar ‘s Boss Is Not Impressed
Caesar lives in Jacksonville, NC, works in a nail salon, and loves Maria in Ukraine. I always appreciate someone in a non-traditional gender job, like a female construction worker, a male nail technician, etc. ‘
Caesar is a hopeless romantic and Maria will fleece him dry. I feel sure of it. ‘
They met on a Ukrainian dating site called Anastasia date, which is oddly specific. Like, after the cartoon came out, Anastasia became a fetish maybe. We ‘ve seen the sweet guy who gets taken advantage by an Eastern European woman before in Jorge and Anfisa, and that dynamic always makes a great storyline. ‘
During Caesar ‘s confessional, a producer interjects and asks him a question about Maria, and, tbh, I love a producer moment! Some reality shows are doing it now (like Teen Mom especially) and I think it ‘s great. We know that, like wrestling, none of this is real. No need to keep up the illusion. ‘
Speaking of reality ‘ Okay, ya ‘ll know that I was starting to feel bad for Caesar. We all were. Especially when Maria scams him out of a couple of grand for a trip to Mexico that never materializes. ‘
When he asks his boss to borrow money for the trip, someone should intervene and tell him it ‘s a bad idea. That ‘s when you need an adult. Like, one time I bought an expensive purse, I though god was going to intervene and stop me from swiping my card, but no one did and, alas, it ‘s gorgeous but that was maybe a mistake? I don ‘t know. I ‘m always torn on buying expensive shit. I ‘m just very good at wasting money is all.
In Caesar ‘s case, his boss is the skeptical friend. And thank god because this guy is a major sad sack! I ‘m here to escape, not to feel! ‘
So yes, the fakery. A couple of seasons back, I got really into the internet drama of it all and started following some spoiler accounts on IG. One of them, fraudedbytlc, posted that Caesar ‘s an actor and he and Maria broke up before filming started. That makes me feel a little less sad, but I hope he isn ‘t giving her money every month! Eight hundred dollars is a lot of nails!
Avery Is Newly Muslim
Avery is 18 years old, converted to Islam six months ago, and moving to Syria to marry a guy named Omar who she ‘s never met. Sounds great! ‘
Avery was also the homecoming queen twice, which justifies my hatred of her. ‘
She ‘s going to meet her fianc ‘ in Syria because there ‘s a travel ban and Syrians aren ‘t allowed to travel to the US. That travel ban is a RED FUCKING FLAG. Ding ding ding! Don ‘t ever voluntarily go to a place that people are fleeing. ‘
We get the dumbest quote of the episode and perhaps the series from Avery ‘s mother. Avery tells her mom that she should consider learning a few phrases in Arabic before accompanying her to Syria. Her mom says. “I ‘m American. It ‘s obvious that I don ‘t speak any other language. ‘ I mean, yes. It is obvious, but is that what you want, babygirl? You gonna show up to a war-torn place from an enemy country and not even attempt to speak the language? Cool, cool, cool. ‘
Avery ‘s skeptical friend: the Bible family down the street that she ‘s close to. They tell her it ‘s a dumb idea but that they ‘ll support her no matter what, which is literally something I don ‘t understand. Why support something that ‘s dumb??? ‘
The secret: Avery plans to stay in Syria after their trip and hasn ‘t told her mom that yet. ‘
Darcy ‘s Children Are The Voice of Reason
We ‘ve met Darcy before. She appeared on two prior seasons with her Dutch ex-boyfriend, Jesse, who was an awful douchebag who tried to control everything. (He pronounced her name “Darzy, ‘ so that ‘s what we call her now.)
Jesse wanted to milk 90 Day for all its worth. Show me a man who doesn ‘t want to be on tv and I ‘ll show you a keeper. ‘
Darzy ‘s new guy is cute and age-appropriate! I want her to find love!
I ‘m pretty sure they ‘re setting us up for a spinoff with Darcy and her twin sister, Stacy, who ‘s engaged to a guy in Albania. That ‘s just a vibe I ‘m getting because they ‘re bringing more of her family members into the mix and also her Instagram is heavily branded with her twin stuff.
She and her twin go for cool-sculpting and Botox together. Has anyone tried cool-sculpting? Is it affordable and worthwhile? Her Botox lady tells her she deserves better. Imagine being that close to your Botox purveyor?
Darcy and her new guy, Tom, FaceTime and have no connection. He seems like a douche because he refuses to pick her up at the airport after a flight to the UK. (YOU KNOW THAT ‘S MY PET PEEVE!) He ‘s afraid she ‘ll have stinky breath. How old is this man? Has he ever cohabitated with a woman before? It ‘s fucked up, but Darcy convinces herself it ‘s normal. Me no likey. ‘
Tim ‘s Ex-Fianc ‘ Is Not Happy
Wow wow wow. So much comedy here, people. Tim, our bachelor in Charlotte (lots of NC action. Must be their southern charm haha I ‘ll be here all week, folks ) is a Ferrari-driving, embroidered-jeans wearing gun designer who loves to Juul. The jokes just write themselves. ‘
We see big Tim at the gym and he lifts what easily may be the lightest barbell in Planet Fitness. I ‘m embarrassed for him. ‘
Despite his cringeworthy aesthetic, he might actually be a good guy because he has a sweet relationship with his ex-fiancee ‘s daughter, even though they aren ‘t biologically related. ‘
Yes, the ex-fianc ‘ is the skeptical friend. They ‘re setting us up for a contentious storyline with Tim ‘s Columbian girlfriend, Jennifer. ‘
Then I wrote in my notes: “Such bad taste this guy. Yellow walls, roll-neck sweater. IKEA lamp. ‘ That about sums it up! Also, I think Tim & Jen might actually be in love. Someone on this show has to be. ‘
They ‘re teasing us with the return of bizarre couple Micheal and Angela next week. You ‘ll remember them of the snail spitting fame. Apparently, Michael wants Angela to have a baby even though she ‘s legit 87 years old. I can ‘t this storyline is so frauded.
Okay, my little county fair shrimps. I ‘ll see ya next week!