By: Sloane Hughes

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Pumpkin Spice Spam Is Almost Upon Us, Are You Heathens Satisfied

I love autumn.

I love everything about it. I love fall fashion, I love the changing leaves, I love cold, crisp weather (all of which are problems now that I live in Los Angeles but I digress), I love Halloween and spooky movies, and I frickin ‘ love autumn fooooooood. Mmmmmmmm. When I ‘m ready to leave this world, give me a full turkey dinner with roasted root vegetables, stuffing, and mashed potatoes, find me facedown drowned in a bowl of cranberry sauce, and etch “she died doing what she loved ‘ on my tombstone.

The peak autumn food though, is, of course, pumpkin pie. This is not up for debate.

It is a universal truth. That ‘s why ‘pumpkin spice ‘ has completely taken over and controls the entire fall monopoly, and even I have to admit it ‘s a little bit much. Pumpkin spice coffee I can understand, pumpkin spice desserts and baked goods I ‘m definitely on board with, hell, I ‘ll even have the occasional pumpkin spice tea.

But we couldn ‘t just end there, no no. We couldn ‘t just leave pumpkin spice in lattes and sweets where it belongs, because we are sinful creatures with no self control.

I thought I had hit my limit when I discovered that mustard flavored ice cream is a real thing, but you ‘ve surprised me yet again, humanity. I thought we ‘d finally hit culinary rockbottom, but we can always go deeper. Our depravity knows no bounds.


Pumpkin spice Spam exists.

I want to die

It ‘s not available for purchase yet, but it will be on September 23. Pumpkin spice Spam is coming and there is nothing we can do to stop it. For any of you godless monsters out there who actually intend on buying it, you ‘ll only be able to do so online. Which is a shame, I ‘d like to be able to see the people purchasing this in the flesh. I want the chance to spot them in the checkout line and look directly into their soulless eyes, and chant “SHAME, SHAME, SHAME ‘ throughout their entire transaction.

Let ‘s get one thing clear right now, no one should even be buying regular Spam.

What even is Spam?? NOBODY KNOWS. IT COULD BE ANYTHING. It ‘s a gelatinous meat-based product that forms to the shape of the tin and if you hold it upside down it makes a distinct “shloop ‘ sound on its way out. But if the words “GELATINOUS MEAT-BASED PRODUCT ‘ aren ‘t enough of a deterrent then I don ‘t know how to help you. Thanksgiving is cancelled, enjoy your pumpkin spice Spam.

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