By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The ‘7th Heaven ‘ With The Developmentally Disabled Glow-In-The-Dark Puppeteer

Annie says Papa ‘s glum since he can ‘t work after a double bypass. Tell him your problems so he feels needed! They claim to have no problems. Ruthie assures them all their shit ‘s a mess. Like Simon who has a crush on Cecilia but won ‘t tell her. Plus other drama who cares. ‘

Eric mopes about taking off his pants for a day of no work? The dream. He wants to return to meddling in everyone ‘s affairs. He doesn ‘t want to feel like (some sick guy) Right, wouldn ‘t want that, Reverend. Ruthie has some meddling leads. Like Simon and Cecilia plus nine other plots. No thanks. ‘

Lucy ‘s gets approached by Paul. Her friend? Paul quit his job at Pete ‘s Pizza for showbiz! But first (I need you to tell my brother I ‘m gonna become a star) K. ‘

Paul wants to join The Famous People Players, a (blacklight musical theater company that travels all over the world) All the performers are developmentally disabled like Paul. His homie Tom introduced him to the founder, Diane, aaaand (she said I can be a famous people player) Diane can make it happen in this town! ‘

Except Paul ‘s brother Lenny doesn ‘t treat him like the full adult man he is. But he ‘ll certainly listen to Lucy, not a full adult or man. ‘

Papa invited Cecilia over! She ‘s Ashely fucking Simpson. Of course she is. Everyone ‘s pissed at Eric for sticking his nose in all their shit. ‘

Lucy runs in talking nutty about an aspiring puppeteer in the backyard who won ‘t come in until she calls Lenny. Time for a drug test, young lady. ‘

Eric feels worthless. (a week ago I was a man with a purpose…a man who helped his kids) The longer he stays away from kids the better. ‘

Paul with the bold intro. (who are you? Who are you? I asked you first) Game set match Paul. ‘

Eric returns from his gripping convo to meet Lenny and his wife Marie. Eric ‘s thrilled about fresh lives to destroy. ‘

Only Lenny and Marie are here to talk to Lucy. Not Eric. He ‘s gonna need surgery again they way you ‘re breaking his heart. ‘

They ‘re understandably surprised Paul wants to join a glow in the dark traveling puppet show. Lucy tries to sell them. But Lenny doesn ‘t get it. ‘

(he wants to play with puppets) I take it back. Lenny gets it. ‘

They say Paul can barely keep a job at Pete ‘s! Surprise! He can ‘t do that either. Lucy says he has a lot more potential than Pete ‘s, shitting on everyone who makes her pizza. ‘

She assures these randos that some guy she hardly knows should run away to join the ultra violet circus. Lenny decides what ‘s best for his brother. Working at Pete ‘s until he drops dead from greasy depression. ‘

Eric and Paul bro out over their sadness. Eric feels useless. And Paul? (I want to be a famous people player. I want to work with Diane, not pizza. I ‘m a man … I ‘m a man too) I never say this, but you two have to start a podcast. ‘

Ruthie needs advice. Eric passes. Until he gets encouragement from his new bestie. ‘

Ruthie has a … uh, friend … being starved and abused by her parents, could ‘ve sworn we did this last week. Eric is like name names. NOW. Lucy names Alice Brand. ‘

Lenny won ‘t let Paul trade pizza for puppets. Even though that ‘s an upgrade. Lucy apologies she couldn ‘t get him released him from his pepperoni prison. But she ‘s not giving up. She ‘s got a plan with Diane. ‘

Alice Brand and her family got a visit from 12. The Brands don ‘t appreciate these baseless allegations. The Camdens explain it ‘s not OK to lie about child abuse because you think being needed will make dad feel better. Where ‘d she get that idea? Ruthie snitches on her mom with her eyes. ‘

Eric says it ‘s not Annie ‘s fault he ‘s sad. (whos ‘ fault is it? God ‘s) Well go hop in line for his complaint department behind everyone else who ‘s ever fucking existed, dude. ‘

Lenny and Marie watch a Famous People Players performance with Diane. Paul can ‘t do that! Guess what, bitches? Paul was on that tape! He quit Pete ‘s and squaded up last week. Snuck out and took the bus. Just like Boogie Nights, but I assume less hog jacking for money. ‘

Diane, the actual Famous People Players founder in real life yes it ‘s a real thing, says folks scoffed when she started in the 70 ‘s. (create a blacklight … performers) I mean, I kinda see where the scoffers were coming from. But she knew her iridescent theater would make dreams come true. The kind of dreams impossible to realize working at Pete ‘s Pizza. ‘

They give their blessing for Paul to leave them, probably forever, to run around in the dark covered in neon paint. ‘

So what did we learn today? ‘

Life ‘s too short. You might get a heart attack! Quit your shitty job and run away from your family with a glow in the dark circus for the developmentally disabled. And Ashlee Simpson was on this show. Crazy. And if you try to fix people ‘s problems, you will make things worse! So don ‘t bother. And god hates you. See you next time on A Very Special Episode. ‘

Need a proper fix of 7th Heaven? Watch the show now on ‘Amazon ‘or ‘Hulu.

Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi

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