By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The ‘7th Heaven ‘ When The Dad Got Shot And Blamed Video Games

What wholesome game is Ruthie playing? (That I got shot…just like in the video game ba boom) Ricky let her play at school! You kill mofos! Ba Boom rules. Annie prohibits Ba Boom. ‘

Mary hit Matt with a basketball. K. Eric ‘s home from a tournament! (There was this kid who was so) No, please finish that sentence. ‘

Simon ‘s new girlfriend Deena ‘s distraught. Her ex Johnny ‘s crazy! He ‘s coming after Simon! Simon gives Johnny his most threatening howdy and says Deena ‘s taken. Johnny ‘s pissed. ‘

Ruthie accidentally broke Ricky ‘s Ba-Boom. Ba-Boom possessed her! She had to have it! She ‘s sent home to dream about that sweet game all day. Simon ‘s late. Eric ‘s on it. ‘

They were hiding. Just not long enough. (look stay out or I ‘ll take you out…take me out? Get it…) Johnny vows to shoot Simon with a 38 special when he least suspects it. Which technically would ‘ve been any time before saying that. ‘

Eric asks what ‘s wrong. Nothing! Not fooling Eric. ‘

Someone ‘s playing on Eric ‘s phone. Perhaps related to SIMON ‘S SECRET. Simon snitches his tiny heart out. (Deena ‘s old boyfriend said he ‘s going to shootme). Eric ‘s shocked. Blasting kids in the face is his thing. ‘

Matt visits Shauna. Her brother George likes Mary. Seems nice. But is he? George violently wrestles Mary ‘s number out of Shauna. So he ‘s NOT nice. Got it. ‘

Annie and Eric agree not tell the kids that a thug with more puka shell jewelry than pubes put a hit on Simon. ‘

Eric ran a tattle telethon. (left messages…cafeteria) Then blames video games and movies for corrupting kids. Enter Ruthie yelling Ba-Boom! Annie forbids her from using her imagination to play that game. ‘

Eric ‘s on the horn with the assistant principal. His hands are tied until he talks to Johnny ‘s parents. Gotta go by the book on school shooting threats five months before Columbine. Simon and Deena will stay home until then. ‘

Not good enough. Eric ‘s going to Johnny ‘s. (do you think…I got him doing research) He runs this town like a twenty cent puppet show. ‘

George asks Mary out! Don ‘t tell Matt. Matt “by the way ‘ warns George seems dangerous. Not realizing “danger ‘ is horny teen cheat codes.. ‘

Eric rats to Johnny ‘s dad. Johnny denies knowing Simon. Anyone would. (DO you own a gun? Oh I thought so). What tipped you off? You ‘re in America? ‘

Gone With The Wind gave Lucy the urge to slap her man. Violence. It ‘s everywhere, folks. ‘

Ruthie begs Simon for help securing a Ba-Boom. Simon, per usual, is worthless. Ruthie outsmarts him with an unlocked sliding door. ‘

Sargent Fresh Fade got intel. Johnny has a record and his dad owns a 38 special. How is it legal to share all this? ‘

They tell Papa John his increasingly violent kid has a one way ticket on the fuckup express. ‘

They searched his locker. No gun, buuut (an alter to violence…pictures torturing animals;…gun ads…cds…comic books) So a mix of good and bad. ‘

Eric ‘s had it. Simon ‘s life is at stake! What ‘s worse, someone who matters could get hurt. Deputy Supercuts drops some fun gun stats. (guns don ‘t kill people…people with guns!) Keep talking, think you ‘ll see eye to eye any second. ‘

Johnny ‘s moving to private school. They will not be harassed about their killer kid or kid killer. Johnny gives Eric them crazy white boy shooter eyes. ‘

Mary needs Lucy to cover for her date. She refuses. (if you awnt to slap me it ‘s not that big of a deal) She wants to slap him mid-argument after a kiss just like that old movie. This chick ‘s certifiably nuts. Mary covers for Lucy ‘s assault. Forcing Lucy ‘s to now cover for her. This fucking family. ‘

Matt spies Shauna ‘s bruises. Their mom smacked George now he smacks her. Also I ‘m sure Pac- Man and M.C. Hammer played a part somehow. ‘

Simon and Deena place their life in the paws of Happy the guard dog. ‘

Matt instantly smells Lucy ‘s lies. She spills her guts under no pressure. ‘

Eric hits his Christ Cubicle. Oh FUCK. Here ‘s Johnny. Eric says go easy. Ba boom. Seemed easy enough for Johnny. ‘

Mary ‘s date with George got physical over a game of pinball. She whoops him then they tag team call him a sicko who needs help. Step one? Stop playing on the devil ‘s jukebox. ‘

Annie can ‘t believe her holy man just got one hole holier. Ruthie now sees video games are bad because her dad got capped. ‘

After showing no remorse for attempted murder, Johnny ‘s locked up until 25. Eric says he ‘s going to help George with his anger issues. But we never see George ever again. Probably fucking killed himself. ‘

So what did we learn today? ‘

Violence is all around us. In fictional video games and movies from the 1930 ‘s and pickup basketball games with Jessica Biel. Don ‘t listen to the siren song of brutality, because you ‘ll shoot a reverend over a 12 year old girl. See you next time on A Very Special Episode. ‘

Need a proper fix of 7th Heaven? Watch the show now on ‘Amazon ‘or ‘Hulu.

Actor/ Writer/ Editor: Dashiell Driscoll
VFX: Bryan Wieder
Post Supervisor: Kia Reghabi

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