By: Ben Rosen
Don ‘t you hate it when you go to the movies only to find Jerry O ‘Connell cheating on you with your evil twin who ‘s straight out of the movie US? Let ‘s revisit Mariah Carey ‘s “Heartbreaker ‘, one of the dumbest music videos.
Mariah Carey is worried her boyfriend is cheating on her, so her friends take her to a movie theater to catch him in the act. Mariah is extra nervous to be there because she ‘s worried they might be showing GLITTER. You can tell Mariah is in a bad place because she cut off all the belt loops on her pants, and put on a crop top that her grandma crocheted for her. ‘
Mariah and her friends go up to the counter to order two small popcorns and one elaborately choreographed dance. It ‘s like when you tip at Coldstone and they sing a little song, except with a lot more butt slapping. Even the custodial staff decides to join in, like one guy who acts like he got shot with a modern dance ray while he was in the middle of sweeping the floor. They take over the entire lobby but nobody really pays any attention except for an old pervert who fucking loves it. ‘
After finishing their dance, they go to the theater. The movie that ‘s playing is a cartoon by the director of THE NANNY ‘s opening credits. It ‘s about the following things: Mariah discovering a pube in her bed, Mariah getting Jay-Z ‘s name tattooed on her arm, and Mariah sitting in a hot tub full of pubes. It also explains that a skee-oh is a pigeon for anyone who was wondering what a skee-oh is. It ‘s a pigeon! ‘
They take their seats and Mariah sees everything she feared: Jerry O ‘Connell, the host of JERRY O (check your local listings) is trying to hook up with Mariah ‘s evil twin Bianca. It ‘s unclear why Bianca is on this date, though, because she is so uninterested in him that she makes her dog kiss him. The whole situation bums Mariah out.
Bianca ‘s deal is that she is wearing all red and is trying to steal Mariah ‘s life and also her man is wearing college apparel and wait a minute is this what the movie US is based on? It is, right?
Anyway, Mariah hopes to get revenge on her boyfriend and since all is fair in love and war she ‘ throws popcorn at the back of his head, and hides under the seats when he looks back. It ‘s difficult to watch something so raw, vicious and brutal.
Bianca goes to the bathroom to get the popcorn out of her hair. When Mariah comes in Bianca immediately slaps her, thus beginning the most intense music video fight since Paula Abdul and MC Skat Cat dance battled. The two dopplegangers fight each other which, again, is a LOT like the movie US. ‘
Mariah sends Bianca into a stall with a flying kick. Hoping to keep Mariah out, Bianca closes the door. Here ‘s where things get interesting. When Mariah opens the door, a DIFFERENT woman is using the toilet. This disobeys all laws of physics and makes you wonder if there are a series of tunnels underneath the stalls just like in, you guessed it, the movie US.
Meanwhile back in the theater, Jerry is really trying to pay attention to this movie about a slumber party, but Mariah ‘s friends are pelting him with popcorn. Luckily the film on screen is so captivating that nobody seems to notice.
Mariah returns from her fight and pours soda on Jerry ‘s lap, officially ending their relationship. BUT, we didn ‘t see the end of the bathroom fight, which makes you wonder, IS this Mariah? Or did Bianca switch lives with Mariah and assume her identity, just like in the movie US. We don ‘t get the answers we so desperately need because unfortunately this isn ‘t a classic horror movie, it ‘s just one of the dumbest music videos.
Writer: ‘Ben Rosen
Editor/GFX: ‘Bryan Wieder
GFX: ‘Andrew Jewell