By: Darren Miller
You ‘ve ignored reminder postcards from your dentist for years now. You ‘ve dreaded the guilt trip from your dentist more than your own parents. But starting this week is the biggest semi-annual dentist appointment ever. Because it ‘s the one you ‘ll actually go to. Because you ‘re an adult, and adults go to the dentist.
Get ready for a waiting room that hasn ‘t changed in years. No one ‘s even fixed that crooked stock photo on the wall that drives ‘ you ‘ crazy. Get there early to take advantage of the latest forms, so you can fill them in with lies about how much you drink and smoke.
And we have not one, ‘not two, ‘not three, ‘but four people who could remember you from the last time you were here and probably won ‘t. But that just means we can get to know you all over again. Don ‘t like talking to people?
TOUGH SHIT! WE ‘RE RECLINING YOU IN THIS CHAIR. AND SHOVING THIS THING IN YOUR MOUTH TO KEEP IT OPEN. STILL NOT TALKING? HERE ‘S SOME INTERROGATION ROOM LIGHTING. NOW TELL US WHAT YOU DO FOR WORK AND WHAT KIND OF DOG YOU HAVE. DO YOU SEE THESE TORTURE TOOLS? SHOW US PHOTOS OF YOUR DOG, NOW! HERE ‘S A FUNNY JOKE ABOUT DOGS – NOW LAUGH EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN ‘T MOVE YOUR JAW!
Great! Now you ‘re ready for state-of-the-art X-rays. We guarantee you ‘ll gag at least twice. And that ‘s not all. You ‘ll gag AND drool when we clean your teeth and don ‘t use that suction straw thing enough. Do you know how to properly brush your teeth? We ‘ll tell you as if no one ‘s ever told you before. We ‘ll tell you to brush softly, as we hack away at your gums like we ‘re avenging a murder. Because if there ‘s one thing you should learn today, it ‘s that GUMS KILL. Now spit in that little sink thing, you ‘re bleeding, loser.
Hey, did you know you grind your teeth at night? Come to the dentist and we ‘ll reveal how your own body is betraying you while you sleep. It ‘s not your jaw ‘s fault, it ‘s probably just taking orders from your gums. FUCK GUMS.
Let ‘s floss. You floss, right? Then you won ‘t mind us officially declaring war on the spaces between your teeth. Oh, looks like your gums are bleeding again. Are you SURE you floss?It ‘s not time for games, Jonathan. LOOK AT OUR TOOLS. LOOK AT THEM.
THAT ‘S RIGHT, OF COURSE YOU DON ‘T FLOSS. NO ONE DOES. THAT ‘S WHY YOU HAVE TO COME HERE, SO WE CAN FLOSS YOUR STUPID TEETH FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE BABY.
Bad news. You need a root canal. But here ‘s the good news: ‘we ‘re about to get you REALLY FUCKING HIGH!
Writer/Director/Actor: Darren Miller
Editor/VFX: Bryan Wieder