By: Sloane Hughes

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Germany Says Hangovers Are An “Illness ‘ So Tell Your Boss To Suck It

There are a lot of valid reasons to call into work and tell your boss you need the day off. Some pipes burst in the middle of the night and your bathroom ‘s a wading pool, you threw your back out at roller derby practice last night and you ‘re stuck at a 45-degree angle now, your dog swallowed your car keys again, but the most common reason why we all call into work is, of course, because we ‘re sick. Headaches, nausea, body aches, chills, those are all definitely legitimate and understandable reasons to take a day off ‘ unless the bug you ‘ve got is the alcohol flu.

Yes, taking a sick day is only acceptable if the reason you ‘ve spent the morning with your head in the toilet is because some toddler coughed into your face on the bus the day before, but if it ‘s because your friends invited you to Wednesday karaoke and you said no but they said “ah come onnnnnn just for a bit ‘ and you said “fine but I ‘m not drinking I have to work tomorrow ‘ but then you got there and your friends were like “ah come onnnnnn just have ONE drink ‘ and you said “okay okay but just ONE drink guys for real ‘ and then suddenly it ‘s 2:00am and you ‘re singing “Santa Baby ‘ with a 60-year-old lady named Eunice even though it ‘s the middle of May and “Santa Baby ‘ isn ‘t a duet, then sorry pal but that ‘s probably not gonna fly with your boss.

And that kind of seems like bullshit, doesn ‘t it?

I understand that dragging your hungover ass into work is supposed to serve as punishment for getting wasted on a weeknight, like a “you made your bed now lie in it ‘ type of thing, but isn ‘t being hungover punishment enough?? Doesn ‘t having to go through the day with double vision and a splitting headache, only being able to keep down saltines and water if that, while sweating vodka for the next 8-12 hours count as reaping what you have sown??? And what good would being at work actually do? You ‘re functioning at 40% capacity, and does anyone want to sit in a conference room or even stand within a 5-foot radius of the guy who smells like a distillery inside a high school locker room and looks like the horseman in charge of bringing disease to the apocalypse party??


On that note, there is good news in the world today. A German company advertising “anti-hangover ‘ shots and powders was just taken to court over illegal claims that these products could, in fact, cure hangovers. Specifically, the ruling stated that “information about a food product cannot ascribe any properties for preventing, treating or healing a human illness or give the impression of such a property. ‘

Keyword: ILLNESS.

Put simply, a German court just officially ruled that hangovers are illnesses.

In other words ‘ you can call into work hungover now.

Cheers, I ‘ll drink to that

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