90 Day Fianc ‘: Just Keep The Women Safe!

Hello, fans of disgusting, filthy reality television! Welcome to my harem. After a hard day of work yesterday with the sun shining in my face (life in LA is just so taxing), it was amazing to come home to a full DVR, heart, and belly. A little too full, actually. How do you stop eating?

Laura and Aladdin ‘
I ‘m going into this episode with a big question: has Liam gotten over his diarrhea yet? And will this little baby put on a diaper and go to his mommy ‘s wedding?

We find out mid-way through that their conflict is, maybe, all about money. Liam ‘s big worry is that his mom won ‘t give him money for college, though he uses the term “support. ‘ THAT MEANS MONEY, PEOPLE! Now his outrage makes more sense. Before, I thought he was just being a little mushy turd.

Liam finally apologizes for his toxicity. It ‘s about damn time. I can ‘t help but wonder what caused his change of heart? What is a video chat with his therapist? A vision quest at the hammam? Or simply the fact that gastrointestinal calm has brought him emotional serenity as well?

Side note: TLC needs to stop trying to make toilet paper wedding dresses happen. We don ‘t need butt stuff at a wedding. Just ask Liam.

Laura looks beautiful on her wedding night! She looks lovely and Liam looks like a cowboy. Typical. Might I remind you of Beyonce and Ed Sheeran?

But honestly, I love that Aladdin throws some low-key shade at Liam ‘s lewk. What kind of poacher-loving freak wears a camel ‘s tooth on a necklace? That ‘s weird and I ‘m glad that Aladdin calls him out. See, this snippet could have been left on the cutting room floor because it doesn ‘t drive the narrative forward but TLC did us a favor for the sake of comedy. I feel seen and respected. Thank you.

Aladdin looks good ‘ we stan a navy tux. Sparkles on a man though? Might want to rethink that. This isn ‘t Breakfast At Tiffany ‘s.

The wedding doesn ‘t have an officiant, vows, or a kiss. Hmm. Aladdin says he can ‘t kiss Laura because of his culture. Reminds me of another man who said the same thing. Look how that turned out.

Karine and Paul
Paul ‘s mom and Karine have a heart-to-heart about Pole, who is an annoying human mosquito. Mother Pole basically says he ‘s hopeless and that she doesn ‘t have any advice for Karine. Cool. I think that millions of 90 Day viewers would probably agree.

I applaud Karine ‘s commitment to wearing fake lashes! She ‘s just given birth, folks! And yet, we see her wearing falsies in every scene. Amen! She sets a good example. I ‘m always looking for role models on TV.

Watching Pole ‘s mom try to have a genuine conversation with him is like pulling camel ‘s teeth. Mother Pole says, “You depend on me a lot. ‘ DING DING DING. That ‘s another code word for money. She ‘s really saying, “I give you lots of money please stop. ‘

She tells Paul that it ‘s BEEN time for him to get a job and grow the fuck up. I love a mom ‘s truth bomb. Especially when I ‘m not on the receiving end.

Also, Gatroade2 is having a moment right now. For me, anyway. I ‘ve always been a Vitamin Water Zero girl, but since moving to the West Coast, it ‘s difficult to find my preferred flavors. I ‘m actually liking G2 these days, like a total fucking jock.

Also, I got my hair cut last night and I might have gotten the same style as Mother Pole. Can ‘t say I ‘m mad at it, though.

Pole ‘s mother heads home and it must be nice not to speak the same language as your in-laws. It gives you an excuse not to talk to them. (Just kidding, Donna! Love you.)

Mother Pole says she ‘s been married for decades and somehow we haven ‘t met Father Pole yet? Truly unfair.

MP doesn ‘t disappoint and leaves Pole with a lock of her hair on her way out. Love the commitment to her truth.

Then Pole takes her advice and asks Karine if she wants a divorce. She says no and he accuses her of talking to other people. Yep, he ‘s a toxic piece of shit who always spoils a good moment!

Karine says she ‘s only in the relationship because of the kid and hopes Pole will change. Um. Doubtful. But hey! Literally anything is possible. Donald Trump is our President.

Jenny and Sumit

The Shane Dawson documentary finalllllllly comes out today and I can ‘t wait to watch it. Yes, I ‘m garbage. But also? I love observing human nature, so, like, I ‘m not.

Anyway, back to the trash heap at hand. Aww, Jenny and Sumit are so in love when they greet each other! I still love their love. It ‘s undeniable!

Jenny asks him the hard questions but Sumit doesn ‘t give straight answers. I keep waiting for Sumit to say he ‘s sorry it never happens. TICK TOCK, MOTHERFUCKER.

This is unfair to Jenny. She got rid of her job, apartment, and car and moved to India for him. Like, WHAT THE FUCK DID HE THINK WOULD HAPPEN? He wanted to have his Jenny and eat it too.

Now, she ‘s going back to Palm Springs to live on her daughter ‘s couch and that ‘s not the way that anyone should spend their twilight years!

That said, I can see a world where Jenny takes him back and they live together in Palm Springs. They ‘re true loves who are destined to be together! It ‘s simply fate.

Tiffany and Ronald
Every time we see Daniel, he ‘s a heartbreaking work of staggering genius. He bursts out of the apartment like a caged bird who must get to the playground and sing, sing, sing!

He knows South Africa is dangerous because there are fences all over the places. And also, the playground is so depressing. The rusty-ass swing sets from the ’80s remind me of my parent ‘s divorce. (Too dark?)

Little Baby D misses his friends and family… I hate to regulate someone else ‘s body, but I don ‘t think Tiffany should have gotten pregnant yet. Timing ain ‘t great.

Tiffany says she ‘s going back to the Unites States for safety and Ronald says she ‘s making excuses. UM NO! I can ‘t get over all these men who don ‘t keep their wives safe.

Aww, I just love Little Baby D so much. I hope he never grows up into a Liam.

I miss Deavan and Jihoon. Not to mention Druscilla! Where ‘s she been hiding? Well, someone has gotta supervise the trolls, I guess. Next week, Corey is going to make the idiotic decision to propose. Then everything will be wrapped up nicely and it ‘ll be time for the explosive and toxic reunion that we all crave!

Before The 90 Days
This season is DRAGGING. TLC has been teasing Avery ‘s reveal of the Syria thing to her mom since episode one. The scene when she finally tells her mom is heartbreaking. Joke from my husband: “Why so Syria? ‘

Also, I wonder if reality show producers are sociopaths. Teri just stands there crying and no one hugs her! It ‘s too much for me to even watch. I ‘m sensitive.

I ‘m sick of seeing sad Caesar in his hotel room in Mexico. He ‘s been there for a month now. We aren ‘t buying it and neither is Maria.

Angela and Michael are so produced.

Darcy ‘s tits are holding on for dear life. Tom is SO classicist.

The Other Way is a thousand times better than Before The 90 Days. TLC has given us so much content that we ‘re bored. It ‘s like if I ate all my food and then ate more but it was from a buffet and had been sitting out all day. That ‘s Before The 90 Days. It ‘s buffet sushi.

Ok, everyone go watch the Shane Dawson documentary and report back to me in the Facebook comments. And if you ‘re like, “I ‘m too old for YouTube, ‘ I get it. That was me six months ago. Just find an enthusiastic college student to fill in the backstory. They got nothing to do and have a whole community of people they barely know. BYEEEEEEE.