By: Dashiell Driscoll

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The Time Zack Morris Gambled With The Life Of An Unborn Child

Mr. Belding ‘s preparing to assist his wife delivering their first child, due on the 15th. Zack says get the fuck out of here with that baby crap. ‘

Then opens his one game locker casino taking bets on the baby ‘s birthday, complete with fleecing the nerds. (overcharging less cool) Zack reserves the 15th and all surrounding days. (my pool and I ‘ll cheat if I want to). He wants to. ‘

There ‘s a physics midterm today, but Zack didn ‘t study as he was tied up running Caesarian Palace. ‘

Zack tries to weasel out, but teacher isn ‘t buying it. Lucky for Zack there ‘s an earthquake drill. He uses the chaos to try and swing a sub-desk threesome. The midterm ‘s tomorrow. ‘

Tori, who just moved to California, is freaking out about earthquakes. Zack suggests renting a disaster movie that will make her shit her leathers. ‘

Zack continues goofing on Tori ‘s fear then says no need to stress about unpredictable disasters. The real danger is that test he ‘s known about for months. ‘

Mr. and Mrs. Belding stop in for Mrs. B ‘s cravings. Lisa makes polite chit chat about baby showers which gives Zack a great idea. He ‘s been planning a baby shower for her tomorrow during 7th period! Glad he finally told her about it. ‘

Zack presses Mr. Belding to excuse them from 7th period to regale his pregnant wife with gifts knowing full well he basically has to say yes. ‘

Mrs. B feels the baby! False alarm. This greasy nonsense just upset her stomach. It ‘s a miracle these kids are still breathing. ‘

The sham shower is fine. Slater gave Mrs. Belding a jersey. Tori got Mr. Belding a hat! She was her sister ‘s birth coach last year. Zack got NOTHING. Jesus Christ. Then, when he hears the bell signaling the test is over, abruptly ends things. ‘

Belding says they ‘ll have a makeup exam Monday. Zack apparently thought this shower would get him out of the test forever. Fucking moron. ‘

Belding ‘s taking the gifts to the car after stopping in his office. Zack offers to take Mrs. Belding to the garage in the faculty elevator! Just to gloat he has his own set of keys to disrespect Belding in front of his wife and unborn child. But that ‘s not all. ‘

This was also a chance to further rig his pool. (appreciate it have this baby on the 15ht) Oh no. Earthquaaaaaake! Everyone knows what to do. Avoid falling lockers. Find a doorway. Yell at two women to chill out. ‘

Shaking stops. Elevator ‘s stuck. Mrs. Belding is having the god damn baby in this cold, dark place that in no way resembles a hospital. Zack objects. (It ‘s not my day in the pool.) ‘

Mr. Belding is terrified his wife is stuck with blonde Charles Manson while he ‘s locked in his office. Slater, a hero, kicks that shit down. Hiyah. ‘

Belding checks on his students first. He ‘s a good man. Zack is not. Because while Tori ‘s losing it, Zack ‘s screaming at her to relax. The least relaxing thing a person can do. ‘

Then orders her to handle this elevator baby that ‘s fully his doing. All Tori asks is for Zack to give Mrs. Belding something to focus on. Zack uses this time to announce he carries many photos of the women he ‘s disappointed sexually, then fails to hold one right side up. ‘

When Belding arrives, Zack wastes precious seconds taking his sweet ass time getting to the point. (did I mention Mrs. B is in labor?) ‘

Belding coaches her through the door. And she actually has this kid, thank god, with no complications. And we never see Mrs. Belding again. After this traumatic nightmare, she probably fucking killed herself. ‘

Let ‘s review. ‘

Zack Morris ran a fixed book betting on an unborn baby. Preventing him from studying which he still didn ‘t do when he got an extra day. So he pulled a baby shower out of his ass that dragged a pregnant woman seconds away from having a baby across town and proceeded to give her nothing. Then, because Zack had to dunk on Belding and cheat some more, sentenced that baby to a dangerous elevator birth where he could ‘ve suffered any number of horrific complications. Bayside ‘s scariest natural disaster isn ‘t an earthquake. It ‘s Zack Morris. Zack Morris is trash. ‘

Check out Funny Or Die ‘s official line of Zack Morris Is Trash merch here: ‘

Check out Saved by the Bell on NBC: ‘ ‘and official Saved by the Bell merch: ‘


Actor/ Writer/ Editor ‘Dashiell Driscoll

Intro Singer ‘Jason Flowers

Post Supervisor ‘Kia Reghabi

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